Do you like bananas? There’s an 80% chance that your answer is ‘yes’. We all love bananas. Except the 20% of bananaphobes who obviously don’t. So for practical purposes we can simply ignore them and consider just those of us who love those little yellow packages of wonderfulness.

I eat a banana every day. Mainly because apparently its inappropriate to eat hamburgers for breakfast. Even McBreakfast ones. Apparently. So I eat my banana and feel my body fill with sweetness and potassium and health and vitality and goodness.

So the next question is: how d’ya like yer bananas? Not in a ‘fried or boiled’ sense, but in a ‘just a tiny bit green by the stalk’ or ‘just turning a few brown spots’, kind’a way. I like mine yellow. No green, no brown, just yellow. I measure them on my patented ‘yellow-ometer’ for perfection, then examine them under a microscope for hints of brownage, and if they’re not totally, absolutely, unquestionably perfect… I eat them anyway.

But apparently most people don’t. As a nation we throw away 160 million bananas a year. There are monkeys and elephants crying real tears just reading that. But its true. And because we all love a graphic representation of stupidity; if laid end to end, those bananas would stretch from England to New Zealand. Not sure if that’s using the Panama Canal or going round the Cape. Either way its a hell of a lot of bananas. And a hell of a lot of waste.

Which is a serious first world problem. Food waste. We’ve all become totally princessy about food perfection. I know I have. Little bit’a mould never killed no-one. In fact its where antibiotics come from, so is arguably better for you than the food that’s creating it.

Check out ‘Olio’, its a free app that puts people about to waste what is often perfectly good food in touch with local folk who want it and will even pay something for it in some cases. Its so easy to use, maybe even monkeys and elephants will use it and we can stop wasting all those fucking bananas.

And take your vitamin D supplement. Its the new ‘biggest thing ever’. Because otherwise you’ll get osteoperosis, bad breath, warts and will lose the ability to play Mozart on the piano. We’re fine in the summer, cos we get it from the sun. But all winter we shrivel and harden due to a lack of Vit. D. Some of us, those blessed with really obsessive wives, have been taking it daily for years and didn’t even realise til yesterday when it was in all the papers. You don’t have to take it. You’ll just FUCKING DIE!!! Instead you can eat the right food. Like eggs. Unfortunately you’ll need 10 of them a day to get the required amount. Or an entire tuna fish. All 27 kg of it.

Though don’t worry unduly. By next week there’ll be a ‘death from vitamin D!!!’ scare and we can all go back to eating burgers for breakfast.

Happy Friday

A xxxx