Whilst we’re in climate mode, I wish to continue that theme with a look at others jumping on the climate bandwagon. And in fact its very easy to work out who might be doing that. It’s a simple equation.

Start at ‘smug’. Add the square root of ‘holier than thou’, divide by the number of carbons you’ve personally emitted over the preceding 24 hours, multiply by ‘evangelical’ and subtract all the meat you’ve eaten ever. And the answer should come out as ‘vegan’.

They’re having a protest about how the world must change its meat-eating ways, but here’s the key line, ‘for the sake of the environment’. Ahhhhh, environment, climate, right. Not just ‘any excuse to try and take the STEAK FROM MY MOUTH!!!, but doing so to save the planet. That’s ok then.

Meat is undoubtedly costly, in terms of environmental impact. And Vegans don’t eat in McDonalds! Who knew that? Not like its ‘real’ meat, surely? Anyway, apparently there is some beef in a Big Mac and as the world eats 47 billion of ‘em a day, that adds up to a cow or two. And cows need grass. More grass, in fact, than there is grass in the whole world. So they needed to make more. Which is why they cut down half of Brazil, the bit with all the trees on, to make grazing land for cattle. And that creates a double whammy. Firstly we’ve lost a highly significant number of our planet’s entire tree collection, and trees absorb carbon. Well, they did before they cut them down. The second issue is farting. If you ate nothing but grass all day and half the night, you’d probably fart too. But cows elevate the art into (quite literally, I’m sad to say) stratospheric levels of flatulence.

The gas that we, and cows, emit is methane. One of the dreaded ‘greenhouse gases’. And cows are the biggest ‘producers’ of methane on Earth.

So it is a problem, I grant you that. A problem I was aware of and was quite prepared to take very seriously (whatever the fuck that means). Until the vegans got involved. Then it became so much hot air. From a different orifice.

As my friend would say: I really like Vegans. But I’ve never eaten a whole one.

Happy carbon-free and meat (fish, eggs, milk…) free Thursday

A xxxx