It was always going to be a battle. There were always destined to be winners and losers. The victors and the vanquished. And the making of history. Though everything makes history; a trip to Sainsburys, having the car washed, taking a piss. We just need to be selective about what gets consigned to the history books and what is unworthy. And of course, how that history then unfolds.

And thus Wayne Rooney and Nigel Farage didst battle it out. Both engaged in foregone conclusions, it was always going to be a matter of ‘how big a victory’ and how it would be accepted. A battle for headlines.

Farage is today celebrating the first UKIP member of parliament, elected yesterday in Clacton-upon-Sea. A win that was never really in doubt. When the shit hits the fan, Essex man turns to the right. Even Essex woman, so it would appear, though many didn’t realise that they were actually allowed to vote. Being as they’re not like normal women who won the vote in nineteen-twenty-whatever. But in repsonse to David Cameron’s namby-pamby, wishy-washy form of government, trampled on by European legislation, failure to address immigration issues and generally being a bit of an upper class twit, the Tory ‘faithful’ (phah!!) abandoned their party in droves to hook up with UKIP. Whether this is yet another ‘protest’ vote, as it counts for pretty much nothing other than a statement of discontent, and those same good voters will change back to their customary blue rosettes next year, remains to be seen.

More significant in many ways was the result of the other by-election in Heywood & Middleton. No idea either, but way ‘up north’, in the Labour heartland. UKIP didn’t win there, but they came very very close, losing by just 617 votes. Yet really, this victory for Farage’s purple team is way more impressive than Clacton. Because to turn the tories of Clacton 10 degrees to the right is easy. Many conservatives see UKIP as ‘how the conservatives should really be’, the ‘old style’ conservatives, you know, white, English, racist, misogynist, xenophobic men. Whereas traditional labour voters have a long way to travel to hook up with Farage. They have common interests though. Beer, fags and McFlurries. And UKIP are less elitist than the Tories, and try to appeal to the common man. In most cases, the very common man. So their ‘very close second’ in that election is highly significant because it shows the massive discontent Labour have with their party and specifically with Ed Milliband, its hapless leader. The forgetful one.

Ironically, if this voting trend is representative of the next general election, Ed Milliband could actually end up as the beneficiary of so many new UKIPpers. Why that is really is too boring to bother explaining, especially as you’re not that bright, so just trust me on that.

But all is not bad news. England thrashed San Marino 5-0 at Wembley last night. FIVE NIL!!!! Wow. But that, oddly, is not very impressive. Sounds like it should be but San Marino are, officially, FIFA ranked, the worst team in the world. So there is massive disappointment that we didn’t score more, impress more, against a team of bricklayers, chemists and accountants. Our massively over-paid superstar representatives of the finest league in the universe, apparently underperformed. And none more so that Wayne Rooney. Our captain. Our leader. Our main scumbag.

So I make that Farage 1, Rooney 0.

Happy Friday

A xxxx