I’m setting up a new charity. Its really great. I want to improve the lives of savages living in the wilds of the Third World, because they’re not very civilised. And I’m not talking Radlett here, but really wild places like Birmingham and Scotland. Oh, apparently Africa is more needy, so we’ll go there instead.

I want to send them salad servers. Nice ones. And new remote controls for tvs, with rechargeable batteries. And lawn mowers. Net curtains. Serviettes. Satchels for their children to take their books to school, leather ones. Proper uniforms for their servants. We all feel better when the Maid is dressed appropriately. Spark plugs. And badminton sets for their gardens. Once they’ve mown the lawns.

Here’s how it’ll work financially. And I’ve taken sound advice from His Lordship on this and I’m assured this is the practice as typified by the sector.

We send pictures of starving Africans, living in sheds and council houses and general abject poverty, sleeping under elephants when it rains, that kind of thing. And we simply demand that they help us to bring some propriety and etiquette into these sad souls’ lives. Sell the family silver, raid the overseas trust funds, keep the Bentley for 2 years if you have to, but give give give. Africa… or Asia, was it?… wherever, needs YOUR HELP.

Because I’m not very good with money and find it dirty, and because His Lordship is busy tending the property portfolio up in London with his band of helpers who help him there. He calls them ‘rent boys’, I presume because they collect his rent. Anyway, he’s busy.

So I shall employ someone to run the Charity, someone like that scruffy Bob Geldoff, even though he managed to lose the entire 12 million pounds raised by that awful Band Aid noise. But he knows how it works. I shall pay him £250,000 a year, for his 6 days work.

We shall rent an office. Somewhere not too flamboyant or opulent, perhaps Kensington, and obviously it’ll need staffing. Lots of staffing. And advertising. TV campaigns and banners on buses. Do people still use buses? I have no idea. And people who telephone you at dinnertime and simply demand that AMERICANS NEED YOUR HELP!!!! Or was it Australians.

So the sums added up rather nicely. The total income projected was £53,757,994. And the total expenses for the now registered charity, after rent, wages and all manner of things you could barely imagine, was £53,757,990.50. That leaves £3.50 to send to those poor people. I shall go to Harrods and look at salad servers.

How wonderful that your money can change lives in such a way.

Happy Friday and Give Generously

Lady Cynical of Charitable Status.
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