We went to Legoland on Thursday. I’ve wanted to go there for ages. Mel too. Even though neither of us is particularly fat, nor have any significant ink-work. Unfortunately it was the day we had the kids so we had to take them with, which was a shame because these places aren’t really for children. Too much walking. Too much queuing. Both of which we love but kids get a bit impatient with. Well, tough shit kids!! Because Legoland does make concession to children, but generally only either chronically obese children, or those who’d like to become chronically obese.

And I worked out that if it wasn’t for the queuing for the rides, you could actually spend more time eating high-fat, sugar-saturated, carb-laden calories to a far greater extent. Its almost like the rides spoil the fun.

“I’ve just wasted 28 minutes queuing for the Flight of the Dragon-Lion ride, (an absolutely brilliant 2.5 minutes), when I should have been at the hot donut stand”. Its like the opposite of ‘wasted calories’!!! Why don’t they put food concessions along the queue lines? They’ve missed a trick there. But when we came out we headed straight to lunch. It was only 10.30 but there’s no such thing as a free lunch, certainly not in Legoland, but there are multiple lunches, every time you walk past some food.

What shall we have? Burgers look good. Chips, obviously. Hot dogs? Fish’n’chips!!! Or, best of all, the ‘all you can eat pasta and pizza buffet’! Holy shit: THE FUCKING DREAM!!!!!

So its now 10.45 and I’ve scarfed down a 14 inch double pepperoni, quadruple cheese, mega-pizza, washed down with coke. But here’s the problem: that pizza would cost me… a tenner, maybe 12 quid. And entrance to the buffet is £18. So therefore, even though I’m full, I need to get another 6 quids worth in me before I leave. Maybe just a quick ‘spag-bol’ then.

The ice creams are massive. They don’t do ‘small’. Cos then they couldn’t charge you £4.75 a go, could they? And as the idea of ‘sharing’ an ice cream is simply beyond the comprehension of anyone younger than 75, you enter the situation where either half the ice cream gets wasted or you’re child is ingesting 300 grams more fat wot he/she really don’t need.

The I found a slightly hidden food stall with apples all over it!! Apples? Who fucking wants an apple when you have a corn dog and candy floss? But I was amazed, and walked round to find it actually sold ‘fried apple chips’.

I don’t hate the Lego company. I love them. I love their product, I love everything they make and do. But then they give the running of their theme park over to Merlin. Who run all of them. And their brief is not one of helping children to advance, they’re not a school. It has no dietary considerations, nor health in general other than that which is legislated. They have one aim: to increase profits. By selling things which everyone loves but really shouldn’t be eating to the excesses they supply them. With absolutely NO alternative options available. Because no kid has ever seen a photo of a lettuce leaf and nagged his parents to get one.

However, it must be said, if you absolutely love standing in really long queues, and would really like to become morbidly obese: Legoland should be your first stop.

Happy wet Saturday

A xxxx