Lionel Messi was officially crowned ‘the best player ever’ after we sat riveted for three hours to the ‘the best World Cup final ever’ and the entire tournament was re-named as ‘the best World Cup finals ever in winter’, the ‘best World Cup corruption’, ‘the most workers ever dead because of a world cup’ and the most things ever banned in a World Cup environment (booze, gays, human rights…) and I’m still shaking with excitement now. I hope its excitement, early-onset Parkinson’s is the only other option and I don’t fancy that much.

I would say ‘the match started’ but really it didn’t. Argentina started but France… didn’t. The (then) holders decided to give Messi and co. an 80 minute head start. It’s only fair. So the Argies surged and weaved and the totally brilliant Angel Di Maria combined with incredible Lionel and the sensational Alexis Mac Allister (how long’s he going to remain at Brighton??) to be 2- nil up at half time. So they ‘relaxed’. And that seemed to be going well too. France’s super-mega-star, Kylian Mbappe, was asleep. Maybe a late night party on Saturday, who knows.

But sleeping lions wake up at some point. Normally to eat, but in this account of twisting metaphors and generally terrible prose, this time it was to score! Twice in 2 minutes, the first a penalty, the second a goal of total Mbappe-ness and spectacularism. Holy shit. 2-all, ten minutes to play and suddenly we were all awake again.

Extra time was simply spectacular, especially the second period. The distillation of an entire match in 15 minutes of frantic, end-to-end amazement. The incomparable (as he was about to become during the next hour) Messi, inevitably scored what looked like ‘the winning goal’. But in the absence of obese people identifying as female in full song, it weren’t over. Because the other side had the soon-to-be incomparable Mbappe around to score an equaliser and send the match to the dreaded ‘penalty shoot-out’. The cruelest of cruel endings.

Unless the French lose, when its ‘plus ca change, plus ca meme chose’. Which means: MESSI WON!!!!

It was definitely the right result. But the journey to get there was what World Cups should always be about. Even ones as dodgy as this one.

Happy Monday to all Argentinians. We forgive you for the Falklands. Almost.

A xxxx