There you are, its true. Must be. It was in the Mail on Sunday. And it is simply the dream. The new answer to the question: “don’t you think you should go to the gym, you fat, lazy, worthless piece of male shit?” is simply “actually I was going to but its probably more beneficial to sit and watch the entire box set of Coronation Street going back to 1962; bring me some snacks when you pass with the hoover”.

The BBC, those hateful, hurtful, Clarkson-sacking bastards, have made a programme about calories and it shows that a man can burn 650 calories just watching tv for one hour, whilst a woman will only burn 270, and really ‘needs’ to be doing housework to get any significant calorific benefit.

This is possibly the best news ever, setting the female empowerment movement back 250 years. This, for men, is so wonderfully sexist-based-on-scientific-‘proof’; its the thinking man’s Sharia Law. Or maybe the drinking man’s Sharia Law. Its the slob’s manifesto.

Apparently there are variables. Its statistics, without variables there’d be nothing to manipulate in favour of whatever the test is trying to show. But the variables here are things like ‘size’. Big people burn more calories (doing nothing) than smaller people. So in fact, you could justify getting really fat and obese (“I’ll have a chicken tikka masala, pilau rice, three naan, onion bhajis and on the side, another chicken tikka masala and a pizza, please”) on the grounds that the bigger you are the quicker you will burn calories. Make sense? Does to me. I need to weigh more so I can burn more calories. Perfect sense.

Very frustrating that I only saw this after playing tennis. I’d have cancelled it and watched tv instead.

So today as I get comfortable to watch Spurs play at Old Trafford, I shall feel no guilt, shall merely enjoy the fact that ‘its good for my health’. But only if we win. Obviously.

Happy Mother’s Day (and if you need the slimy manufacturers of over-priced greeting cards to tell you when to love your mother, merely to create a market for them to exploit, you need shooting.)

A xxxx