Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury; I shall present you with evidence over the course of this trial, to show that security measures currently employed in this allegedly fair and democratic nation, are in fact just hi-tech versions of spying. And the Plaintiff, Lila Sophia Bell, has indeed had her human rights abused by this technology on grounds of privacy, intrusion and round-the-clock surveillance.

Babies are an obsession. For all of us, so it would seem. So when our kids were little we had little monitoring devices, that inevitably failed; human error, you had to turn them on and kind’a point them, so this is the logical extrapolation. The Babycam. Not only can you spy on your baby when its in bed but you can speak to him/her. You can play music from your phone. Not, like Nirvana or the Groundhogs, maybe Black Sabbath which you find on my phone, but, more plinky-plonk baby songs about stars in the sky and the wheels on diesel-spewing buses polluting the environment. You can play the baby the endless electoral debates; sends me to sleep soon enough, should work wonders for a babe. Or re-runs of Spurs last 2 matches in full. Wow.

Ahhh technology…

They’re gonna fly a rocket to the Sun. I know, you don’t need to, you can see it from here easy enough, long as its not cloudy. But you know what scientists are like; give them an inch and they take 93 million miles. I hope they’re taking lots of Factor 50. They’re not actually landing on it, obvs, that would be rather tricky as the temperature is higher than Blackpool in August. Its another ‘probe’ (horrible word; brings to mind medical shit and proctologists and…) which will in fact travel in ever nearing loops, ending up just 2 million miles away. Which is pretty far if you were using your over-60s tube travel card, but in terms of our star, can only be termed ‘fucking close’. 1400 degrees close. Way too close for comfort. You could bake your cheesecake in 7 seconds. But close enough to learn what they need to learn. Don’t ask, I have no idea, other than it’ll be ‘ground-breaking’ and ‘really important’. So I’m happy with that. Science for science’ sake; there’s nothing purer. Other than a baby.

Happy Thursday

A xxxx