One Direction are bigger than the Beatles!!! Said so in the paper so it must be true. Because by some warped criteria for ‘bigness’, the four/five Tossers (depending on whether you count Zayn Malik now he’s left to become a full-time, solo, boyfriend-to-a-supermodel) have four members currently sitting at number 1 in America with solo hits. Well, not at the same time but its a first for a UK band. And that, according to The Times, makes them ‘bigger than the Beatles.

Just so you’re not under any confusion or ambiguity about my personal view on this situation, allow me to clarify. The Beatles were Gods of music. Pioneers. They were the first ever supergroup, even though that term wouldn’t exist for 10 years. They were not merely incredible musicians but extraordinary songwriters. And Ringo. They changed music forevermore.

Whereas One Direction are a bunch of 3rd rate Karaoke singers (they did in fact come 3rd in the X-Factor wot spawned them) who look pretty and are pretty worthless in any real musical sense. They are a Frankenstein of the music world; put together by Simon Cowell of all the ‘bits’ he knew little girls would like. Then churn a few songs from his music factory and hey presto! they’re number one!!!

One Direction wouldn’t exist if the Beatles hadn’t been there a long way first. There’s a lovely line in The Comedy Store’s fabulous old ‘Bad News Tour’ in which Ade Edmonson’s character states: “Jimmy Page was 16 when he wrote ‘Stairway to Heaven’. I could play it when I was 14. I think that says a lot”.

In 50 years time, when One Direction are old and fat and bald and doing Karaoke nights at the Three Tuns in Watford every Friday, they’ll probably be singing along to Beatles songs.

I have a cold/cough thing and can’t sleep due to excessive snottage. I’m not happy, I’m very tired and miserable and if I wasn’t such a hero I’d stay in bed and moan for a week.

(Not quite) Happy Wednesday

A xxxx