So when you see a long, straight, smooth road you say ‘ah, a Roman road’. Not because it looks like a Roman nose but because those Latins built their roads long and straight. Shortest distance between two points, etc, etc.

Then was the Emperor Hadrian on drugs? Was he drunk when he built the Wall? Because whatever is the opposite of ‘straight’ (a very very contextual question that one) where lines are concerned, Hadrian’s famous Wall is that opposite. Did the bastard never consider urbanites from Londinium 2000 years in the future who might want to walk the sodding thing? Only to find that not only it bends about like a motherfucker, it goes up and down like a yo-yo (and a ‘yo-yo’ is, in this context, the bastard second cousin of the motherfucker in question).

Cos those yo-yos will kill ya. Though not hardy adventurers like me and Mel, toughened up by years of walking round Waitrose AND John Lewis. We walked the wall for 10 miles. Felt like 20. Very very beautiful up there, quite amazing really. That you could find such astounding beauty such a long way from White Hart Lane.

Though this picture is in fact not Hadrian’s Wall, as may be deduced by: a. the lack of wall; and b. the vast amount of water. Glad you’re paying attention. The picture is Loch Lomond. Which translates from the ancient Celtic as ‘Lake of someone or other’, or from the ancient yiddish as ‘a big hole in your Lomond’.

We arrived yesterday, having driven all the way up once again with the top down (average consumption 28.3mpg, almost another record) and arrived in that rarest of things: a sunny day in Scotland. According to hotel lady, its their first of the year. Rains a lot here. Which is why its so beautiful and green. Then more green.

So rather than waste time making hay (the cows have got so much grass here they really don’t need it) we decided instead to spend the sunshine on a boat on the Loch. Where we learned all about Rob Roy, the famous Scottish 17th century criminal/hero (depending if you’re English/Scottish). He was a hero ‘to the people’, like Robin Hood, Ned Kelly, David Bowie. But due to all the clan stuff, the McTavishes and McGregors, the Campbells before they made soup, and probably the McDonalds over rights to deforest half of Scotland to graze the cows for Big Macs on McGregor land!!!! basically its a tale of aggressive warring Scots people robbing each other blind. Like Celtic vs Rangers, with Nicola Sturgeon, but 400 years ago.

Wonderful here. Scotland is famous for Scotch, for wide empty spaces and for midges. And Loch Lomond is ‘midge central’ apparently. But we’re prepared (pics to follow…)

Happy whatever day I can find some wi-fi to send this

A xxxx