What they should do, wiv dem small boats, is turn ’em round and make ’em faarkin’ sail over to Rwanda demselves, in dem little dinghies, da’s what dey should do. Den dey won’t come back, will dey???

Probably because they’d have run out of petrol half way to Spain or been eaten by sharks or giant Octopus-ninja things off the coast of Portugal. Never ever to reach the wonders and splendour of a barracks in Rwanda.

The problem is that there are actually two conversations going on simultaneously and neither makes much sense anyway.

The government’s conversation is all about stopping the boats because its an illegal and immoral result of the trafficker-bastards putting all those refugee-seekers at great risk. So we must stop THE BOATS. Even though we’re not, kind’a, offering refugee-seekers any alternative route or method to come here to seek asylum. But that’s not the point: the boats must end!

The conversation Johnny Britain hears is: we’ve found a way to stop foreigners of unspecified origin and unspecified colour coming here in boats. Now if only we could work on trains, cars and planes, Britain would be ‘saved’. It’s actually the conversation he has with Nigel Farage.

A cynic (errrrr… that might be me then) might think that the government have found a pretty good vote-winner, as anything reducing immigration is unfortunately a vote-winner, disguised as a humanitarian action of protecting those poor people from exploitation by the dastardly traffickers.

Either way, ‘Rwanda!!!” is both the solution and the problem. Not, necessarily, from an economic standpoint, as we’ve pissed away £400million on this so far and not one refugee has yet set foot on African soil. But from the government perspective it looks like a plan. And from Johnny English’s perspective, Rwanda is definitely ‘anywhere but ‘ere!’

But the devil is in the details. And thereby hangs the issue. And hanged Tuesday’s vote in parliament which almost looked like a vote of confidence in Rishi Sunak but was a vote on whether to pass the ‘Rwanda bill’.

The Tories were completely split!!! Not between those who want the Rwanda thing to happen and those who don’t, but between those who think, like Rishi, that his wishi-washi plan will pass legal muster, and those who think it needs shoring up on various points. Like taking us out of Human Rights conventions and implementing a structure which precludes legal appeal.

Rishi won. But at what cost if, when someone finally does get sent to Rwanda, they’re pulled off the plane and entangled in legal proceedings for the following 3 years with the ‘deportee’ kept at Claridges whilst the trial continues. With Johnny English as his butler.

Happy Thursday

A xxxx