I worry that I’m becoming slightly gluten intolerant. Which would be fitting in a way as I’m pretty fucking intolerant to most things. But they’re all a matter of conscious choice, not bodily function.

So here’s the problem. Not the intolerance itself, should I be the ‘victim’ of such a thing, but the fact that I’ve always had almost zero tolerance to food intolerants.

Allergic to seafood? GROW A PAIR. Just man-up and eat those prawns; I’ve got an epi-pen which I’ll gladly stick in your face if you swell up like a balloon and lose your respiratory system for any significant length of time.

Lactose intolerant? Oh just fuck off, will ya? Stick to your soya latte and I’ll cream up. Like a real man.

And then gluten. Wheatgerm. The term for a gluten intolerant is a coeliac. Looks like a word for some commonly occurring invertibrate fossil, but in fact its not. Yet because its a fiddly word, the Younger Daughter coined her own term. Mainly to upset her flat-mate who suffers this affliction. She’s a ‘glutard’. I love that. Unless I’m included in the genus in which case DON’T YOU DARE USE THAT WORD!!!

And the problem is; I love bread. And every day I have a sandwich for lunch. Which is pretty immediately followed by a feeling of bloatedness, discomfort and fatigue.The very symptoms that some know-all geek expressly mentioned in a newspaper I read the other day that would indicate gluten intolerance. Well what about journalist intolerance? When you throw up over members of the press?

Why can’t I be intolerant to lettuce? Broccoli? Spinach? Radishes? Anything but bread or meat. Or chocolate. Potatoes. Bananas or ice cream. Banana-flavoured ice cream.

Is this what happens once you turn 60? Is this the beginning of the end? First you seem to exhibit a mild gluten thing, the next you’re in a care home, incontinent, with tubes sticking in and out of everywhere, dribbling down your tie? (I haven’t worn a tie for about 20 years other than daughter’s wedding and a dinner at Lords, but maybe I should start again, its what old people do).

This may affect my chances of being in the next Amerian Womens Gymnastics squad. My new aspiration.

Needs further testing. Where’s all these scientists when you need them?

Happy gluten-free Friday

A xxxx