The relationship between England and Germany is a complex one. Emotionally, psychologically and, especially, footballingly. We love the Germans, most of them, we cheered when the wall came down and their nation was re-unified and we send our daughters to live in Berlin because its the best city in Europe. Yet we can’t forgive them for those wars. And if we could, we could never forgive them for the repeated tortures on the football field.

None more tortuous than in the 1996 European Championships when Gareth Southgate, our national team manager, missed the penalty that sent the Germans through to the final. And although his teammates immediately flew to him to support him, to give him love and comfort and ‘it’s not your faults’, that event scarred Gareth. He went to see Eileen, the famous Glenn Hoddle favourite and faith healer, which in fact had a very positive impact and brought his game back to its previous exemplary standard. But underneath… in those dark moments… you just know, it can never leave you.

We beat the Germans in the World Cup final in 1966 and in the intervening 55 years we ain’t done so good. And tonight, its game on once again. Victory would be a belated redemption for Gareth, no question about that. But a loss? A LOSS??? Unthinkable. Hands up all English people confident (truly, deeply, in heart-of-hearts) that we can win…

Ok, none exactly flying up in the air.

Last night’s matches were amazing. Simply brilliant, exciting, thrilling, come-from-behinds, extra time, penalties, they had everything.

We don’t want that tonight. We want a dull and dreary 1-0 win. Harry Kane in the 7th minute then shut up shop and bring on 9 more defenders. I have no desire to thrill every Slavic ‘neutral’ or Italian bar-fly. Just to beat the Germans.

They want to ban mobile phones in schools. Research has shown, conclusively, that children’s productivity improves by 6.4% as a result. Possible 9.7%, up to 14.2% for the more challenged pupils, and as little as 0.3% for bright kids. Maybe there’s a 10.6 in there as well somewhere, I gave up the will to live at that point in the article. Which can only really be described as ‘inconclusive’. But sounds like a great idea anyway.

Yet I feel this infringes on children’s human rights and intend to bring action. Because it is the basic, fundamental right of every schoolboy to send pictures of his penis to every 13 year old girl in the class. In fact its his duty! What’s wrong with spending the Advanced Algebra class surfing porn sites? And how are you supposed to be a proper, totally committed bully without using social media for 15 hours a day?? Eh???

Very happy, massively important Tuesday

A xxxx