The Government yesterday stated its plans to ensure ‘high speed broadband’ for the whole country. Just like gas, electricity, water, the access to broadband is now deemed the stuff of life. Which indeed it is. And this is great news for those poor wretches, currently hooked up to a modem with half a kilometre of wire and getting a ‘page’ on their screens every 10 minutes. Those in the western Scottish Isles. Welsh farmlands, outlying northern villages (they’re always northern) and other bleak and desolate places.

Like my house.

We have broadband. We fucking should have, I live about 5 miles from Marble Arch, which (so many think but no-one actually knows for sure) is ‘London’ from a signpost perspective. So “London 53 miles” will actually take you to Marble Arch. Anyway, London, awash with broadband, more phone signals and wifis round here than anywhere in the (un)civilised world. Brilliant.

And yet my broadband runs at about 1.5 thingies per whatever, when David Cameron is promising crofters from John O’Groats about 55 or more.

When BT introduced its ‘Infinity’ service, I was the first person in the world to apply. Textile workers in Bangla Desh, earning just 20p a day for making Beyonce’s t-shirts, already get about 75mps and their phones/tablets work just fine, thank you very much.

‘Sorry’ said the BT people, ‘you can’t have it yet. We need to put up cabinets and they’re not in your area yet’.

‘Well fucking build them then! What’s the problem?’

The problem is that I live in a conservation area. And the tossers in power (very small men with very small penises who’s passion in life is just to ‘obstruct’ because they can) won’t accept the standard cabinets. They’re not ‘sympathetic with the environment’. Like lamp-posts and phone cable pylons are, presumably, let alone manhole covers and the horrid grey power and water boxes all over the place.

Eventually they designed a ‘sympathetic’ cabinet. Great. But its not going to be put near my house. Fucking anti-semites! Why not??? Because its too expensive. The cabinets cost 7,000 quid each and your area is not marked for one. GRRRRRRRRRR!!!!

A committee was formed; its what you do in suburbia. In inner cities they go to the offices with machetes, round here we form a committee. And for about 50 quid each we could buy our own sodding cabinet. Great. End of problem.

If only. Then there were scheduling issues, then the cabinets were rejected by someone else, then our MP got involved, because that’s what happens just after the committee is formed but before the machetes come out. And Mike Freer MP writes to me about every week with ‘updates’. None of which ever say: “… and its coming tomorrow!!!”.

At last the government are addressing my problem at a national level. My human rights are being impaired. I can’t stream away Spurs games from Albanian mafia sites. They keep freezing.

Happy Thursday from the 4th World. (because the 3rd world has fab broadband)

A xxxx