Carlsberg don’t make really annoying things. But if they did they’d make a leaf-blower. Those devil-inspired peace-disturbing muthafuckas that fire up at exactly 1 second past 8 o’clock, the time her majesty’s government allows such an awful fucking din to commence and upset the entire neighbourhood. As 57 gardeners stand there with their hands on the start-cord looking at the countdown. And whilst Carlsberg are at it, why not make a leaf-sucker??!!?? That actually takes the leaves away, rather than blowing them into the neighbours house so he can blow them to the next, like some tree hugger type relay race.

Yet the only type of gardening I really like is the noisy stuff. Hypocrite?? How dare you? One is noise, (the one I’m not doing), the other is petrol engines doing really useful stuff (my lawn mower).

But sometimes I get inspired. A synonym for ‘nagged’. And thus, last September, October time we ‘needed’ to get some bulbs. Our investment for future garden picturesqueness and horticultural beautification. So we went to Crews Hill. If you want to buy, like, two bulbs, a white one and a yellow one (the floral equivalent of: ‘are you feeling lucky, punk? Well are ya??’) you can buy them in your local wherever for about a fiver each. Possibly £1. I really have no idea. But if you yearn industrial quantities, if you hanker after making the neighbours so jealous of your wonderful display that they’ll blow all their sodding leaves at you for a year to come, then you need Crews Hill. Where we bought about 200 assorted bulbs. For… a tenner. Ok, 25 quid. Whatever, it was such a bargain we just kept buyin’ and buyin’.

Then got them home and realised we’d then have to keep diggin’ and diggin. And it took weeks and weeks because after about 20 minutes your back stiffens up and you’re bored as fuck with digging holes in the ground. If I wanted to do that all day I’d have stayed in Egypt with the slaves. Yet, eventually, dug in they got. (The single most horrendous grammatical phrase ever writ). And then promptly forgotten. Which is kind of the point, really.

Until a few weeks ago. When, for the first time this year, the term ‘green shoots’ was apparent in the strictly literal, non-metaphorical manner. Followed by flowers. Lots of flowers. I would tell you their names but… but… but they’re flowers. So I took this photo to share. And make you jealous. But if one of your leaves finds its way within 20 yards of my house, I’ll sneeze on your door-knob.

Happy Wednesday

A xxxx