Have you ever thought that men and women are different from each other? Ever crossed your mind? Do you still have a mind? Or has your wife battered it into a mere empty vessel on a life-support system (if you call that ‘life’) that exists for the sole purpose of agreement with her? Or him? (Very 2015; wives can be anyone). “Yes, Dear”. “OK, Dear”. “If you say so, Dear”.

Well fuck that; WE ARE DIFFERENT. And its not just about football. No. Very different. Mainly physically. In case you hadn’t noticed. Men are sort of… manly, muscly (at one time in their lives), streamlined, athletic (phah! right!!!), whereas women are softer, smoother, curvier. They have areas that men simply lack. Or lack to the same extent. Women have a higher proportion of fat. There; I’ve said it. And in this case, uniquely, its not an insult, its SCIENTIFIC, innit? Clinically proven. Although many men, purely in an attempt to reduce this difference in order purely to please their women, unselfishly increase their own BMI by the consumption of 9 pints of beer every day to load up a proper ‘gut’. Such sacrifice.

So women have breasts. And bottoms. That men (well, most men) simply lack in those proportions. And these are fatty areas that men (real men, like me) have turned into muscle, over evolutionary periods. Ok, men grow ‘moobs’ but only because they’ve turned 40. But generally, that’s the domain of the females of the species.

Thus when men go looking for a mate, not in a ‘building sitey’ kind of, me mate Dave, way, but as in someone to mate with, they get a bit obsessed about these fatty areas. An obsession which for some sad individuals never, ever leaves them and fills every waking, and half their sleeping, lives for all eternity. And who would you want to mate with. Ok, ‘all of them’ is really neither constructive nor appropriate in a monogamous society. You want that; go become a Mormon. So for your wife, do you choose slim, petite, boney Carla Delevigne, Miley Cyrus types? Or some luscious lard-arse from Lancashire?

Because we have now learned, from proper, scientific type boffins, that those fatty areas on women are there not just for the titillation, obsession and seduction of boys/men, but they are to provide essential nutrients for their children. Who, whilst breastfeeding, ingest the ultra-healthy DHA fats which make those children brainy. And the biggest source of DHA in the world is Kim Kardashian’s bum. It said so in the paper, so it must be true. Women with bigger bums make brainier kids. Full stop. So you can keep Brigitte Bardot and Milla Jovovitch and Rita bleedin’ Ora; I’m after Hattie Jaques. And next time I see some immense backside waddling thigh-smackingly up the road (I’m gonna say in Huddersfield), instead of being disgusted by the state of the nation’s obesity, I’m going to propose to her. Well, to her arse anyway. Which is not so much mere flab as ‘our children’s Oxbridge entry’.

Happy Thursday

A xxxx