When Jeremy Corbyn becomes Chairman of the United Kingdom, by then a communist state with an ‘executive committee’ of comrades, rather than parliament, future elections banned due to being unnecessary under the new regime of fairness and equality (for all except women, Jews and anyone else he doesn’t like), capitalism will be gone from these shores. Little Britain will be an EU-free island of wonderful, caring, gentle, soft, touchy-feely political standing filled with love and peace and harmony. All administered by Momentum’s (by then) armed thugs and militant trade unionists. Len McClusky will be minister for charm. A statue of Bob Crowe will stand in Trafalgar Square, replacing that fascist bourgeoise war-monger, Lord Nelson. The ‘working people of this country’ will change from being the most abused phrase by all political parties, to being the dominant class. So they can stop working. Come out from the pits (which have all closed anyway), leave the production lines (Japan having moved all operations to Belgium) and instead claim state payments and spend quality time down the pub. Production will cease, the economy will implode, but we’ll all be really happy.

If only.

But now from a most unlikely source, anti-capitalist mantras are being chanted. Theresa May. Our Prime Minister, our leader, our main Conservative, wants to change capitalism. Always a tricky one in a free market economy. And the most anti-Tory message any Tory could ever spout. And yet she has a point. Some things have gone ‘too far’. Even for me. And I’ve applied for re-instatement of legal slavery.

The rail bosses have pocketed, between them (and there’s only 3 worth considering) 20 million quid in the last 5 years. Whilst producing a service generally described as ‘worse than shit, not much better than nothing’. Ok, they work hard, I’m sure, though not so hard that they don’t do non-exec roles in their spare time, but they fail miserably at the primary task. To get the trains taking people (yes, working people) to work. They have to get paid, and properly paid too, as men of such standing would earn in any other sector. But bonuses? How do you arrive at a bonus situation when your work has failed and your debt increased?

Then there’s the ‘big 2’. Big in girth, at least. Mike Ashley and Philip Green.

Big Mike does indeed make zillions from his Sports Direct empire. Unfortunately, he beat me to the whole slavery thing and rules his underpaid staff in a way that would actually make a Victorian workhouse overseer wince.

And Philip Green, Mr Shifty, though I did give him the benefit of the doubt when the BHS scandal first erupted, and still try to be equivocal, is an irredeemable shit. How’s that for ‘equivocal’?

Ok, time to go and be a capitalist pig. WHERE’S MY COAT, FOOTMAN??? TAKE THAT!!!!!

Happy Tuesday

A xxxx