It must have been around 1970 or 71 when BBC2, and only BBC2 started transmitting in colour. Which was partly a shame because BBC2 only ran from about 6 o’clock in the evening until about 11.30, when they switched to a photo of a little girl accompanied by a high pitched whistle. Which was good viewing back then for about half an hour, then even the most insomniacal went to bed. And partly it wasn’t a shame because no-one had TVs that could receive in colour anyway. But a few did. So every afternoon at about 3 o’clock they showed what they called ‘trade test films’ just so you could watch something in colour. But not just any something, it had to be something really awful. A ten minute, throw-away (which most should have been) snippet of nothingness. But coloured nothingness.

I was at home a lot. ‘Revising’ for some exams or other. And every day at just before 3 I’d hear the roar of a pretty much unsilenced exhaust disturbing the neighbours as my brother’s mate Barry arrived. He was 3 years older than me so was probably ‘revising’ (euphemism in 1970 for ‘day off’) for something else. But we shared a lot of common interests and became good friends. We went to music together. We got drunk together and loved driving round at ridiculously high speed together (he had an insane sports car, I lacked the age for a license). And we watched trade test films together.

There were only about 10 of them so they just recycled them. And you never knew which would come up. Thus every day we sat in eager anticipation, hoping with all our hearts that today would be… CATTLECARTERS!!!

The truly worst film ever made, ever, anywhere, anytime, any-any-anything. A film so bad, so stupid, so simply awful that it became an obsession. It was hilariously un-funny. Set in Australia it featured a lorry. Not just any lorry but one designed to travel thousands of miles across that barren wasteland (I refer of course to all of Australia here, not just the Outback) with cattle. Think the biggest truck imaginable and then tow two more behind it of the same size. And fill them with cattle, just for fun.

They managed to find two Aussies who were such caricatures that they needed no training or acting skills. They didn’t need to ‘become the part’ like method actors, they were the parts to begin with. Add in a really really cheesy theme song by Frank Ifield and what you had was the ultimate movie for teenage layabouts to roll around the floor in hysterics to.

And I found it. Cattlecarters. You can watch it. You should watch it. To celebrate its enduring awfulness into future generations.

Happy Viewing

A xxx