There’s a new tv show coming out. Next week. It’s along the lines of ‘Strictly’ or ‘Bake Off’, where loads of contestants are eliminated week by week until there is a winner who becomes…

Chancellor of the Exchequer!!!

But for real. Moves into Number 11 that very night as all contestants have to take their pyjamas with them. You don’t have to be clever or anything, as most of the last 4 chancellors we’ve had in the last 3 months have shown. You just need a nice voice and good line in apologetic u-turns.

The initial weeks deal with the simple stuff. Basic questions like:

If GDP increases by 0.72% what will be the expected tax increase and how will it be divided between health, education, housing, defence and Andy’s pension? Or:

If the Prime Minister comes up with a get-rich-quick plan for the country which will lead to short term financial disaster, ruination coupled with loss of international status and zero credibility with anyone in the world, at what point in the ensuing shit-storm do you resign? And in which country should you do it?

It’s all pretty basic at first. Then it gets trickier. Apparently Diane Abbott was beaten in one of the earliest rounds which was ‘count up to 10; with NO FINGERS!!!’ Joey made it to the next round, even though there were three ‘8s’ in his 10. On the grounds that he’s never been publicly humiliated nor ludicrously hypocritical.

Jeremy Hunt was the ‘Star Bean-counter’ this week but there’s a lot of competition.

You only needed to count as far as 2 to really enjoy yesterday’s match between Spurs and Everton. And we looked solid. And tidy. And in control. And much better than we have in previous matches. Yet its all very ‘un-Spurs-like’. It’s all rather pragmatic. Which is fine if you just want to win loads and loads of games and be up at the top of the league table. But is it good to watch? Does it dilute the very values that have rendered Spurs fans happy yet suicidal for decades? Do we still crave the spirit of David Ginola in which the game is played beautifully or I’ll just stand around doing nothing?

But spare a thought for poor Mason Greenwood, the Manchester United player-who’s-not-currently-playing. Because he’s been arrested for rape, coercion and a whole raft of other bad things. Hasn’t played since January but because you are innocent until proven guilty, he’s still getting 75,000 quid a fucking week from his club. As he should. I feel the ‘presumption of innocence’ needs to be suspended when footballers are involved, because whatever the charges, they’re always guilty. Unless they’re our players, obviously…

Happy Sunday

A xxxx