I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking “oh no, Bastian Schweinsteiger, the German football captain and Manchester United semi-permanent hospital visitor is a closet nazi. He spends a half his time dressed as either a footballer or a patient, the other half as a Wehrmacht officer. Oh no!” But don’t worry, Bastian’s no nazi. Well, he might be, but there’s been no real positive sightings thus far. Its just a doll. A plaything. A child’s toy. Phew.

Yes, for just 80 quid (80 fucking quid???!!!!???) your child can replay his (or her, let’s have some equality here) favourite nazi fantasies with this ‘Bastian Doll’. That’s its name. By sheer coincidence. Bastian. Like Schweiny. What are the chances? Phah!

Teach your children all the horrors of nazi atrocities, relive Krystalnacht, invade the tv room (which we’ll rename ‘Poland’), build a mini-Auschwitz in the kitchen. So much fun to be had.

And the doll is made in China. No surprise; everything’s made in China. Even though most say ‘made in Italy/France/Bulgaria’ on the label. This one doesn’t. It is unashamedly Chinese.

Schweiny’s legal people have taken issue with the doll. And you can kind’a see their point. Who would want to be the ‘face of naziism’? Never mind the name.

Yet according to the manufacturers, they just gave their doll a ‘typical German face’. In fact the company boss went one (quite unbelievable) step further to assert that ‘all Germans look like this’. And ‘Bastian is a very common German name’. Not like Hans then. Or even Helmut? Why not go the full Adolph?

Noooooooooooooo. They really don’t. Has this man never heard the expression: when you’re in a hole, STOP DIGGING? You just can’t say ‘they all look the same to me’. Not since 1972. Its illegal. Its a fucking cliche. A joke. “Bloody caucasians; they all look the same!”

Chinese people don’t all look the same. No. 1.599.999 billion do in fact all look the same, the other 2 are Lucy Liu, who is gorgeous, and President Xi, who looks like a third rate Elvis impersonator from ‘The American Bar’ in Bangkok.

Bring back Barbi & Ken but bring them up to date. Give them guns.

Happy Friday

A xxxx