Like the King, I’m sending a Christmas message this year to all my loyal subjects. Otherwise known as ‘the plebs’. Because those of us in high office should always realise and appreciate that there are commoners, ‘working people’ and other versions of ‘scum’, all over the country, at this very moment fighting each other over who gets the Turkey wing this year, or who gets to drink the last can of Tenants Extra because mother-in-law has drunk the other 5 in the 45 minutes since she arrived.

So what you should all be doing in fact is finding the most freezing, arctic, frigid body of water you can and immersing yourself in it. Preferably whilst wearing a red bikini fringed with white fur, stick-on antlers, or a long white beard. And essentially, drunk. Or how and why would you ever enter such a place.

But it seems almost to be de rigeur to jump into the North Sea, or the English Channel or some version of ice-laden coastal waters on Christmas Day. It started (as with soooo many bad ideas) in Scotland. Where the Firth of Forth would be awash with plungers into the ice-water. Now it’s everywhere. Devon, Belfast, even Worcestershire. Which, I’ll admit, is a bit landlocked, but they’ve got cars, haven’t they? Or lakes, reservoirs and some really horrible, polluted canals. So no excuses.

Let me tell you, as your ‘other king’, what Jesus wasn’t doing on Christmas Day. He wasn’t jumping into cold water in a bikini. He may have has some issues, but he wasn’t a total fucking idiot. In fact, he had many problems. I mean, where did all that ‘poverty’ shit come from? Turning other cheeks? Rather than the more customary ‘aw’right, come on den, ya want some????’ reaction. And wearing sandals? Not sure if he did so whilst in a suit, but ya kind’a think he would. I don’t mind the feeding of the 5,000, but why didn’t he monetise it? 5,000 covers in one night; any restaurant would kill for that.

Though I must admit, I’m wearing sandals too!! Well, why not? It’s Christmas Day, FFS! It’s in honour of Jesus, just another nice Jewish boy. Or possibly the first ‘nice Jewish goy’, but I need to check. So I’m wearing sandals in HIS honour.

And because I’m in Tenerife and it’s fucking hot. And yes, I have immersed myself in water today. Not, possibly, of the frozen variety, but… slightly cool(ing).

Happy Christmas

A xxxx