We need to talk about Chuka. He has withdrawn from the Labour party leadership race. And I don’t mean ‘race’ in any bad way. But this is the oddest thing in British politics since Ed Balls became Shadow Chancellor. In fact this makes even less sense that appointing a man who can barely count to a position involving the nation’s budget.

Because Chuka was the favourite. 7-4 favourite, to be precise, and them’s pretty short odds. And if the dream of entering politics is not to a. lead your party and b. become prime minister, then you should never have given up a decent career as a parasitical lawyer in the first place.

But Chuka has stated that he can’t run because of the ‘scrutiny and attention’ he and his nearest and dearest have been receiving from the press since the race began. So one question for Mr Umunna: WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU EXPECT????

Has he not noticed, in the years of being very close to Ed Miliband, that high political office tends to be a bit of a media magnet? That in fact without the media attention, no-one ain’t gonna win nuffink. We live in a media driven world. Every politician is a media whore first and foremost. ‘Too much attention’ for a politician is like ‘too many cheeseburgers’ for me. Can never happen. Its the dream scenario.

Yet Chuka reckons it was all a big surprise.

So we can emphatically refute his given complaint as being the real reason for his withdrawal. And we must look further, to try and find that ‘real reason’ for why he has bottled out of what should have been not only his dream but the dream for his party. Because Chuka is young. And that could be a massive bonus in the next election when the country’s young constantly complain that they can’t relate to a 50-year-old ex-public-schoolboy rich kid. And he’s smooth and suave and clever and pretty. (So Chuka 5, Ed 0, just for starters).

So if that’s not his reason, it can only be one thing: a skeleton in the Umunna closet. One set to be revealed very very soon.

And this is where perhaps I can offer a unique perspective otherwise lacking in the mainstream political observations. Because we can enter the realm of the purely speculative, hypothetical fantasy.

He murdered someone when he was 7.
There’s a video of him eating a live tortoise.
He once voted for the National Front.
He supports Arsenal.
He shaves his head because he has fleas.
He wanted to fight for IS.
He raped a sheep.
He likes being spanked by Policemen.

Or he’s gay.

Which is kind’a the general consensus. And if that is the case, then even more shame on him for (just last weekend) producing ‘the girlfriend’ who no-one knew existed, and simply not coming out, in the party who paved the way for gay rights and equality. But its sadly very unlikely that ‘the nation’ would ever put a gay man in number 10, so that would seriously affect the party prospects.

I like Chuka. In a party filled with throw-back socialists, total tossers, morons with absolutely no credibility or ability with the public, he is a breath of fresh air. And if he is gay, so fucking what? Have the courage of your convictions; both personally and Party-ly.

Its times like this I wish we still had the News of the World. Then we’d know already.

Happy Saturday, Chuka

A xxxx