I’d just like to say, that if you’re blessed with footballing skills, if you are ‘sheer class’ on any footy pitch, if you’re a Sunday league Glenn Hoddle, more skilful than Liam Brady, more elegant than Zidane, stronger than Vieira, more aggressive than Roy Keane (that would involve weapons), then it is enduring. That is me. I put shorts on because I have to get ‘in character’, even for a 1-on-1 with Joey in his kitchen. Ok, I’d come from tennis, but proper attire is essential! Unfortunately, I lost. Not because of any lack of artistry, great goals, wonderful tactics or even not scoring enough. But the first rule, in his kitchen, is ‘Joey wins’. He manipulates numbers like the most skilful tax-avoidance accountant; he cries ‘foul’ when the only such thing going on is the chicken his mother is cooking. His ‘goal area’ is marked clearly, by precisely where he is on the pitch, allowing him to dive on the ball and grab it. Similarly, the ‘goal line’ is subject to interpretation. His interpretation. If we’re playing up to 5 and I get the 5th, then we’re playing to 10. Or its ‘half time’. But this is not ‘cheating’, how fucking dare you!!! My grandson!!! No, this is being competitive (good thing), its ‘creative’, its… sheer genius!! This action photo was taken by one of the press who’d turned up in droves with their long-lens Nikons. I probably fell over after the shot. Or needed medication of some sort. Whereas Joey is like the Duracell bunny. But rechargeable. Just insert a ‘snack’ and he’ll go on forever.

And I’d just like to say that even though I haven’t watched any of England’s amazing run to the World Cup finals, basically because for some reason, I don’t give a shit about my national team, they are impressive. Played 8, won 8, goals conceded: none. Not one, in 8 games. Ok, one of the countries was Andorra, so that tells you lots. Serbia? Albania?? And Latvia. Not exactly Spain, Germany and Brazil. But you know what, you can only play who’s in front of you. And if FIFA put that sorry lot in front of England (Beckham probably paid the 3 million Euro bribe) then that’s who you play. And beat.

But the rugby? Oh. My. God. England beat the All Blacks. For about the third time in my lifetime. We were indeed brilliant. But they were indeed crap. For an All Blacks team. There’s no Dan Carter. There’s no Tana Umaga. They have Boden Barrett but he can’t do it all. And in fact had a rotten game. Thankfully. We were lucky to have played them in a year when they simply don’t have the 15 superstars that they’ve managed to keep producing for over 50 years. Even the Hakka was lacklustre.

Yet I missed the game. Because it was on TNT. And I don’t have it. The most annoying channel on tv. I refuse to pay a penny more than the £697.23 a week I currently seem to pay for ‘every fucking channel in the world except the ones I actually want to watch’. If I had any mates I could have gone round to watch it. But I don’t get invited. Because I eat too much, make a big mess, shout a lot and break things. But Joey does all that regularly but we still seem to invite him round.

Happy Tuesday

A xxxx