Mel & I took a couple of bikes and rode all the way to Ipanema, about 2 miles away. Doesn’t sound far, its as flat as a pancake, but the 37 degree heat doens’t help much. Neither did hitting a sodding bump in the pavement and in the ensuing tumble (during which I never looked anything but cool, dignified and gorgeous) I acquired road rash on every elbow and knee I possess. The shower I just took I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

The pain could only be relieved by reading reports of yesterday’s Chelsea match. Morinho’s such a tosser. Like that’s news.

What do you think when you hear the word ‘Brazil’? I think football, I think beautiful bums and I think coffee. The invented coffee here (I’m guessing). In the 60s and 70s when the world starting drinking the stuff, it was Brazilian or it was shit. Then that name was hi-jacked by the waxing specialists but surely that didn’t end the biggest industry of this fine country? So you’d expect in the year 2015 P.S. (that’s ‘post Starbucks’) that the cafe society forced on the entire civilised world have made Brazil leap on board as it was their product to start with. And yet…

After The Fall, once the bleeding had been staunched and I’d stopped crying (the last time I fell off a bike I was 9 years old and so immediately regressed), we rode on to The Lagoon. Which is a gorgeous, big wet thing with a cycle/running/falling-over path all round its 7 km perimeter. Who the fuck goes for a run in 37 degrees? Who goes when its 15? But I hate running. The Lagoon is faced by fabulous apartment buildings that shout ‘too expensive for you, ya scumbag’, but in Portuguese. And the people walking, running, cycling, are gorgeous and fit and wealthy. Except for us, obviously.

So we were looking for the coffee shops, for juice bars selling green slime to the body beautifiers, somewhere to fucking sit that wasn’t a saddle, to drink a latte, or a frappe-mocha-caremalino-extra-zinc-hold-the-balsamic, or something nice and frothy. But no. Not one. Restaurants which hadn’t opened yet or a little geezer with a box of iced water and cokes on the side of the road.

Where are all the coffee shops?? YOU INVENTED THE BLOODY STUFF, KEEP UP WITH THE GAME.

Ok, time for more pain meds.

Good Day

A xxxx