Mel has left me! She’s gone! It had to happen I suppose. She’s lived with a virtual God for 38 years, it gets a bit much. All that awe.

Ok, she’s gone to Dubrovnik with her sister for the weekend, but it’s basically the same thing. I have to do things. Which I don’t really want to do, but have to because suddenly, there’s no-one else here to do them. But how will I cope??

I bought this, in my lonesome misery. A substitute wife. I know, it doesn’t look like Mel really, but it’s about the same size. And almost as dangerous. Because we needed a strimmer, to cut the lawn edges. And I don’t like wires because I cut them. And when you search for ‘battery operated strimmer’, you get one of these. Rather than a little bit of plastic whizzing round to cut the grass you get this which comes with “15 blades!!!!” Which reminded me of the guy at the end of ‘Enter the Dragon’ who had one hand and on the other he attached a selection of wicked, vicious weapons. And because we have a dead, blighted bush which needs… removing, I thought ‘brilliant’, this does it all. And it appears to even work.

So, due to my ‘lonely’ status, Lila and Joey decided to come round and watch the football with me. And they brought mum and dad for added cheering. But there was nothing really to cheer. It was predictably dull as dishwater (and I fucking know a lot about dishwater, this weekend, MELISSA!!!!). And Joey’s attention span is measured in milliseconds. Except when really dangerous, preferably violent, equipment is concerned. Out we went to the garden with the new strimmer/chain-saw, because that’s what all 5 year-old boys dream of. Lila came too because… because she’s Lila and also worked out that watching England felt like a punishment.

And that’s where I spent the match. Fun and frolics in the sunshine, with Little Miss Fun and Mister Exceedingly Dangerous, whilst you were watching another in the series of ‘most boring football matches of all time’.

Then we came in. Because the match had gone to penalties and the curry arrived. Not sure which I enjoyed more. And five kicks of the ball later we could dance round the table, papadoms in hand, Sweet Caroline, chicken tikka masala, Football’s comin home, aloo gobi, Ing-er-Lund, Ing-er-Lund, Mel’s comin home… and pilau rice.

Can’t wait for the semi-final. I’ve pre-ordered at the take-away.

Happy Sunday

A xxxx