I’d like to make it very clear (politician-speak for ‘what this lacks in clarity, it makes up for in higher volume’) that we, the Conservative Government, are the ‘party of low taxation’. Which is why I am proposing this budget today.

In which, we shall tax every many, woman, child, worker, pensioner, retiree, unemployed person, student, corpse, cat, dog and fucking mouse, higher than they’ve been taxed for the last 100 years. We shall squeeze and squeeze and press and shlep every last farthing from each and every one of you. Until you cry tears of blood. And then we’ll squeeze more.

Because we’re caring and compassionate. And we understand fully the ‘difficulties’ people are having with basic finances. Struggling with 50% higher grocery bills, 30% higher petrol costs, 70% higher energy spending. We therefore thought the best way to help everybody to cope with this massive burden… is to reduce the amount of money they take home every month.

And we have to take these measures because we’re ensuring a future for the entire nation. A future in which there is growth, prosperity, a wonderful standard of living and an abundance of fairy dust for everyone to make their own magic. A golden future with no carbons, very little pollution, wealth for all and everything you could wish for. Just don’t click your heels together whilst wearing red shoes.

All we therefore have to do is survive the present. During which you shall have the full support of your government every during every step of this recession, helping you cope with the austerity verging on bankruptcy. This support will start with words of wisdom, to guide you thus reducing your discomfort.

Eat less. Much less
Buy some more sweaters and turn down the heating.
Don’t drive: WALK.
Darkness is your friend, leave the lights off.
Enjoying yourself is ungodly and overrated. Get in touch with your inner misery.

You see? We care.

I commend this budget to Hell!!, sorry, to this House!!!

Jeremy
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