It’s hot. So hot that I played tennis at 9 this morning, rather than 10. These are not normally considerations. Play early because rain is coming. Play late so the frost can melt. Play at 12.32 because Hurricane Rishi will have passed. But heat? We love heat. And sunshine? Travel round the world chasing the stuff. Well, Mel does, I just go for the ice creams. So why all the fuss?

Because sunshine, as well as making you feel great, infuse you with vitamin D, put a colour on your face and increase well-being, will kill you. I heard yesterday that even sitting in the shade in 40 degrees of Celsius (as we’re predicted to have by Tuesday), you can just die. Like that. One minute you’re alive and the next you’ve dehydrated, your organs have shut down and the paramedics aren’t allowed out because their tyres have melted.

The solution, as to everything, is water, of course. Preferably, getting in it. But if you can’t, like… on the tube f’rinstance, then try drinking some. I know, its the least drinkable stuff on the planet, the most uninteresting, dull, horrible drink to imbibe, lacking in sugar, alcohol, coffee and all the other things that improve it 9000%, but that’s what you have to do. To stay alive.

On our world tour of Australia, back in 2011, we went to Oluru. Ayers Rock was shut. And we decided to walk round it. Well its a great big fucking rock, you weren’t allowed to climb it because it was too hot and your options are a bit limited. You can’t just look at it for 3 hours. It is a 6-mile trek and it was 39 degrees of Celsius. With not the slimmest, slightest sliver of shade available. Because its in the middle of a desert and stands alone. And our friends made us carry water. Lots of water. Like trekking 6 miles in 120 degrees (change to Farenheits to hit the big numbers) isn’t hard enough, strap gallon sacks of water on your backs just for fun. Which was quite frankly ridiculous because water is heavy (1 litre weighs precisely 1Kg which everyone knows unless they’re American) so gallons of the stuff weighs tons. Which makes you exert more, sweat more and is generally counterproductive to staying alive.

So here’s the rules, to keep you safe in the heatwave.

1. Avoid the shade, according to that guy, you can die there.
2. Don’t carry water, the added weight is unnecessary exertion.
3. Use nothing stronger than factor 15 otherwise your tan might be blotchy.
4. Leave small children in the car when you go shopping to avoid sun exposure. And make sure the windows are closed so they don’t crawl out.

Otherwise, good luck amigos, see you on the other side. Which is Wednesday.

Happy heatwave

A xxxx