It’s now a scientific fact that Covid 19 makes you stupid. Even if you haven’t actually had it and test negative now. It’s the mere presence of the virus in the atmosphere that increases how thick and less intelligent people are, regardless of insufficient levels to infect. And this has now been officially, statistically, proven by the government.

How else could a kid/young adult be predicted getting 3 A-star A-levels due to a stellar school career and marks in their mock exams, and just 5 months later, actually achieve 2 Ds and a Fail? At Christmas they’re looking forward to breezing into Cambridge to study medicine and by August they’ll be lucky to get into Burnley Polytechnic to study refuse collection. Part time.

There is simply NO other explanation for this tragic shortcoming in the A-level results. The kids must have become at least 40% less clever in the last 5 months. The virus, even though it appeared to affect virtually no-one in the sub-18 age group, had a massive effect. On their intelligence. On their fundamental IQ. And on their density potential.

Oh, I suppose one could question the methodology? One could cast a doubt (heaven forbid) on the algorithm the government used to ‘mark’ the students? But really? Really? That kind’a has the air of Jose Morinho about it; blaming everyone and everything except those truly responsible. And its time these kids accepted that you only fail exams by doing poorly. Spending valuable work-time playing hunt-n-kill video games, posting photos of their genitals to people who really don’t want them, taking too many drugs and listening to that popular music. Even when… errrr… you aren’t actually ‘sitting exams’ in any meaningful way.

Or, possibly, by being cheated out of them by an inept and panic-stricken government with insufficient time to produce a viable alternative to what we’ve always done. I think they probably employed the same group of techies for the exam results software that they used for track’n’trace. Because that worked so well?

Why didn’t they just have zoom exams? Just email them the test papers on the morning and complete them online. Invigilators could watch thousands at a time to see who was rushing out to check their Encyclopaedia Britannica. Or those who log in as ‘Amy Williams’ for their physics, but look remarkably like Albert Einstein.

It’s ok. The government have U-turned. The education minister, who sounds uneducated himself (read: ‘speaks with a northern accent’) said it may have been a bit of an error. Oh. Ya think so?

Happy re-marking-results-but-NO-FUCKING-PLACES-LEFT-IN-UNI!!! day.

A xxxx