I feel that my somewhat irrational fear of going on a sea cruise may be justified by recent events in Norway. In the Fjiords which was the precise location of the trip, but ‘in the bar’ was where most of the travellers spent their days. And nights. And anytime in between.

We love to travel. We do travel. Lots. But never on a boat. Don’t do boats. Yeah, Mel gets sea sick, but there’s pills. But there’s just something about ‘cruising’ that just bothers me. In fact, there’s everything about cruising that just bothers me.

I don’t want to ‘dress for dinner’. I want me spag bol with me goolies dangling loose. Ok, maybe not. But I’d rather that than put on a penguin suit and sit at the captain’s table with a bunch of smug insurance salesmen from Indiana for whom this same horrible experience is ‘livin the dream’.

I don’t want to stop in a harbour and queue up with 5000 people for a ride to shore on a 10-man inflatable. Ok, some take more people but then you look like a bunch of ‘illegals’ from Liberia about to sink in the Med. And then to arrive ON SHORE!!!! But in either the harbour town, full of boats, sailors, bums, alkies, hookers and filth, or you end up in ‘the tourist nightmare’. St Mark’s Square. Cartagena. Rio. Where the locals cater for 100,000 cruisers every week, hike their prices, dust off their little, plaster-of-Paris Christ the Redeemer models and flog ‘em to the stupid at $35 a pop.

Then there’s the ‘entertainment’. Having a third rate Las Vegas reject band singing Tie a Yellow Ribbon at me is not something I’d pay money for. It’s actually an abuse of my human rights. As is being forced to eat 6 meals a day ‘because they’re free!!!!’ and you need to justify the cost of the trip.

Generally its the smugness of the average, sneering cruiser that really gets me. Who know all about the rankings of the different liners, different ships, different cabins, different class. From Kate Winslett to Leonardo. And how did that end up????

And then last week. When the P&O (very downmarket, apparently, not ‘proper, evening dress type’ cruising) ship in the Fjords degenerated into a mass brawl. Fuelled, possibly, by the 40 quid a day ‘unlimited booze’ option. And this didn’t appeal to the insurance bods from Indiana, this appealed to… Essex Man (among whom I once numbered, LONG before I became a north London snob). And indeed Essex Woman, who probably started the whole fight. Dress up, get faaaarkin’ legless (sea legless or otherwise) and have a faaarkin’ ruck!! Put that in your advert for Cruise Liner Luxury that they send me every week in the Sunday Times.

Happy Seafaring

A xxxx