So following the ‘curious incident of the left arm at breakfast time’, when said arm went ‘weak’ and shaky for about 3 minutes with no after effects nor any other symptoms, the medical world went frantic. Well, my medical world did. Because every doctor is assured, positive and with no ifs, ands or buts, that it was a ‘TIA’. A mini-stroke. Sure as eggs is ova. And there is a process. Most of which was done before my holiday, in the interests of even surviving the holiday! I had the neurological work-out, I had 20 different blood tests, I had an ultrasound scan of my neck arteries and I had an MRI of my brain. And everything was negative. Or positive. Depending on your perspective. It was all good anyway. No signs, no nothing. Don’t need statins, don’t need blood thinners, blood pressure shit, nothing. I AM the perfect specimen of frail old man. And thus needed to see a cardiologist. To eliminate the possibility of an irregular heart rhythm sending shock waves in my blood causing little clots. As I understand it. And quite frankly I’m a bit bored with the whole thing now so tend to drift off during the technical explanations.

The Doc last night was from Georgia. The Russian one, not the Confederate slavey one. My neurologist is South African. The Radiologist Indian and the neck one a little Jewish man from London. Without being too cynical, 3 minutes of arm weakness has so far provided two holidays, a term of private school fees, a 3-carat diamond and a BMW X-5. But ‘it’s a process’ and must be done proper.

The technician lay me down and shaved my fucking chest!!! I mean; where’s the dignity? Where was the stylist? This beautification was strictly utilitarian. We need electrodes ‘there’ and there’s hair in the way. No ‘how would you like it, Sir?’, not even a ‘who did your last chest hair cut?? Awful mess…’ Nothing. Just razor, buzz and I have a bald patch on each moob. ECG or EEG or whatever was fine. I produced a lovely graph showing movements of the FOOTSIE over 5 years. Ultrasound showed all was lovely and super. Well, it showed I do have a heart, contrary to popular belief. So he injected some of my own blood into my own fucking vein (like there’s not enough blood in there anyway), but having mixed it with sterile water first. Don’t ask. It was all good.

So if I’m so startlingly, perfectly, amazingly, deliriously fucking healthy, WHY DO YOU ALL FEEL I HAD A TIA???

I’m picking up my heart monitor on Thursday so they can check a week’s worth of rhythms. And pay for the ‘all weather package’ on the BMW.

Happy HEALTHY Tuesday

A xxxx