It’s all a load of rubbish. Waste disposal, iss’all rubbish! Which its always been. But the collection of our waste was never a stressful thing. It was just ‘a thing that happened’. Every week. Rubbish bins out, bunch’a dudes come along, sling them over their shoulders, tip ‘em into a truck, bish, bosh, job done, see ya next week. Ok, half the rubbish ended up in the garden, on the street, strewn around generally but as a concept, it worked.

But then they started over-thinking it. They invented two things. Hi-viz jackets (the sure sign that ‘elf-n-safety is at work) and ‘Wheelie Bins’! And the world changed. And ‘segregated waste’ further complicated something that ain’t that difficult.

So we have ‘general waste’ and we have ‘recyclable waste’, both collected on Wednesdays. The ‘food waste’ we stopped doing because every week foxes managed to wrestle the containers open and drag slops all over everything. I had to get permission from the council to cease and desist which was really complex due to the difficulties in proper waste processing. But I thought they might send me to prison if I put a used tea bag in with the discarded tennis shoes. Or worse, get a fine.

“I don’t want to put the food waste out because the fucking foxes get to it and make an unholy mess”.

Barnet Council Man: “Don’t then”.

“Oh, should I put the food waste in the ‘general’, the ‘recycle’ or the ‘green; organic’ bin then?”

BCM: “Don’t matter. Whatever ya want”.

Which immediately told me what everyone pretty much suspects, which is that although the councils obsess about colour coded and waste-specific bins, it all ends up in the same land-fill, somewhere near Loughboro’, or even in Your garden. I don’t care, long as they take it away from me.

But last year due to ‘cuts’ in budget, Barnet council said that the ‘green’ bins, for garden waste ONLY!!!! would only be collected every 2 weeks. And its not just a matter that when our hedges are cut it could fill 9 bins (not a big garden but humongous hedges so I can run around naked), but more that you can’t remember which is the week for the green waste. And if you miss it and don’t put the bins where the men trip over them, they don’t get emptied. So by the next 2 week collection, its all composted itself and is spot welded to the inside of the bin in one solid, horrible, smelly lump which doesn’t budge when tipped over a lorry.

I was just sitting here when I heard the gentle tones of the rubbish lorry(s) and in ‘green bin panic’ just caught them in time.

Getting my bins emptied. I feel like I’ve conquered Everest. Or booked an Air Miles return ticket. Shouldn’t be that stressful.

Happy Wednesday

A xxxx