Well here I am in Day 73 of my Coronavirus diary and pleased to report, as I have for the previous 72: NOTHING’S HAPPENED!! Making it possibly the most boring diary since… Well, probably Victorian times as no-one with an Instagram account would ever bother with something so primitive as a ‘diary’!

My measures are taking effect. Because even though I have no symptoms at all and know no-one who has, I’m in a form of self-isolation. Because its the way forward. And I was getting ‘self-isolation envy’, a little known psychological side-effect of Covid-19. So I’m locked in only venturing out once a day to buy toilet rolls. As soon as I hear of a shop that still has supplies I get in my Hazmat suit, scrub the car down with disinfectant and rush round. By which time those alleged stocks have normally gone. But you can’t be too careful. Which is a little concerning as I’m now down to just sufficient toilet paper (under ‘normal digestive conditions’) to last 83 years. I may have to reduce my daily food intake to compensate. I also have 47 crates of dried pasta. Though in fact I’m gluten intolerant so can’t actually eat any. Yet feel every person has to do their bit to help. And buying toilet rolls and pasta is what society needs at this very troublesome moment. It’s our way of pulling together during the crisis.

And the crisis is this: sport is being affected. The rugby’s been off for ages. No-one with any sense would go to Italy and French people are notoriously bacteria-ridden, everyone knows that. So you wouldn’t want to get in a scrum with either of those. Ireland’s in lock-down and the Formula 1 race in Melbourne has been cancelled because someone has the virus somewhere in Australia and three koala bears are currently in self-isolation. The Arsenal manager actually has the virus, a Chelsea player does too and one from Manchester City is suspect. If only there was a Liverpool player and one from Man United, we could just ban those teams from the league and it would be good. But I strongly suspect that by this evening all matches here will be either postponed (til when????) or played behind closed doors.

All this happening but it won’t get in the way of Mel’s birthday tomorrow as she celebrates such a big birthday. I’m not saying how old she’ll be but just that I’m going to thereafter be sleeping with a 60 year-old woman. Holy shit.

Happy Friday

A xxxx