Today, the 74th day of the apocalypse, they banned sport. All sport. You can still play bridge. But only wearing rubber gloves and in a chlorinated swimming pool. Which is empty because swimming is banned along with every other sport. But in terms of ‘real’ sport, and even things like F1 and ‘golf’, the things which call themselves ‘sports’ but some of us have doubts, everything is banned.

The sports pages are now completely empty. Other than lists of sportspeople who have contracted the effin virus or those who are self-isolating. So the ‘new league table’ looks like this:

Arsenal 3 cases 6 isolating total points 15
Chelsea 3 5 14
Man City. 2 3 9

Tottenham. 0 0 0

Liverpool have no points in this particular table but the virus has taken their fans’ usual feelings of tragic over-entitlement and elevated them exponentially to levels of frustration and near-suicidal heights of anti-God-ness. Because if there is a God, HE FUCKING HATES LIVERPOOL!!! Which is obvious because HE’s a Spurs fan, everyone knows that. And the whole purpose of coronavirus is to stop Liverpool winning the league. Basically because nothing else can.

And what are we going to do with the postponed matches? In a season so full anyway that most teams can’t really cope. Extend it? Into the summer? When the Euros are due? Finish it next year? If there’s enough people around… Or do we just write off this season entirely? Wipe the slate, abandon and start afresh next season. That seems the fairest to me. Some Liverpool fans might disagree. Because they’re not medically trained.

Why can’t they ban other things instead. Leave sports so that the self-isolators have something to watch and ban traffic wardens. Income tax. Speed bumps. Jehovah’s Witnesses. Ban all vegan restaurants. Ban Newport Pagnell. So many options.

Donald Trump has gone one step further and simply banned everything. Flights, sports, forrinners, Red Injuns, Mexicans and all of life in New York City. He’s done this for two reasons. The first is that he now, having been in denial for the last few months, appreciates the severity and danger of this epidemic. And secondly, because he’s a reactionary half-wit orange-faced imbecile who is all about posture and nothing about substance. Just an opinion.

And so it goes on.

Happy Birthday to Mel. NOTHING will stop us having the best birthday weekend ever. The gels have gone beautifying. All the gels.

A xxxx