It is with a heavy heart that I report the untimely death of Alex Salmond. The politician, statesman, orator, former first minster of all of Scotland, party leader, divisive separatist evangelical, rapist, sexual tormentor and friend of Nicola Sturgeon. He never made inappropriate advances to Nicola. But who the hell would? So the courts found him completely innocent on all allegations from the 37 women who independently made them. May his soul rest in… Scotland. We don’t even want that down here.

And then there’s more shit for the ‘new’ PM. New? 100 odd days now. Some of them very odd. Like the one where his government authorised police ‘blue-light’ security for Taylor Swift. So all of England gets stopped at the traffic lights so that her ‘convoy’ (it’s always a convoy with Americans) of 19 Cadillac Esplanades doesn’t have to stop at red lights, or for anything. An action normally reserved for the king of Zambia, the president of Sierra Leone, the viceroy of Timbuktu, those kind’a people. Even Prince Harry was refused that when he comes home. They said that because of the bomb-threat to one of Taylor’s gigs in Europe, she became a security issue. Hmmmm. But then it transpires that virtually all of the cabinet, and half their families, all ‘acquired’ tickets for the Eras tour, which had sold out to ‘normal people’ within about 10 seconds of going on sale. Kier and Vic went, had a fab time, boogying along to ‘Love Story’, staring in each other’s eyes and inducing vomiting in those nearby. In the VIP seats, obvs.

No-one is a bigger fan of Taylor Swift than me. Even though I really couldn’t be bothered to actually go and see her. There again, I’m not a cabinet member. And I want her to be safe. But spending 150 grand on security so she doesn’t have to stop at red lights is perhaps a bit much. But hang on, we pay that money, from our taxes, so the socialist government can all get expensive personal freebies. That’s a win-win. Well, they do it in China.

But this week hails the New Britain initiative in which loads of really rich companies are invited here to… well, give us loads of money because this government has announced itself ‘the friend of business’. Even as it plans to hike Capital Gains tax, national insurance by employers and has just implemented a raft of proposals on workers’ rights which is so awful for employers that the unions have given them unconditional approval. Then, some dozy, flame-haired, worthless bimbo goes off-message and attacks P&O Ferries and suggesting a public boycott, when their parent company is one of those invited and has already pledged one billion quid to our nation for a venture. Why did she do this? Because P&O greatly upset the Unions a few years back and, like most of the government, she’s unable to think on a macro-scale. She’s still a ‘protestor’. Even though, unlike me, she is in the cabinet. Bet she got Taylor Swift tickets too.

Happy Sunday

A xxxx