My Dear Chancellor of the Exchequer,

I’d just like to take this opportunity to thank you so much for finally understanding the needs of the country so perfectly.

As I see it, there are three groups of people in this fine and verdant land:

Those, like me, signed off sick for the last 22 years and on permanent benefits.
Workers. They have the dirty hands.
And Rich Bastards.

And finally, we appear to have a government, generally, and a chancellor, specifically, who understands these groupings and their relative needs and burdens.

The rich bastards. Currently the 5% richest pay 60% of all tax in the country. Leaving the rest of us to find a truly massive 40%!!! Fucking billions! Well, strictly speaking it’s ‘the rest of YOU’, I haven’t paid tax since Maggie Thatcher was on the throne.

So really, it’s the ‘workers’, who pay that 40%. Other than the train drivers, some of whom have now entered the ‘rich bastard’ territory, even though their hands are still dirty. And it doesn’t seem fair to tax working people more.

Thus how do we raise more taxes. Firstly to improve ‘services’ (read: ‘benefits’ for me) and secondly because of that disgusting ‘black hole’ in the economy, a mythical beast that you, Madam Chancellor, brilliantly invented. The best excuse ever for changing from ‘we will NOT put taxes up’ to ‘we will take your testicles if neccessary’, without looking like a lying, hypocritical, U-turning, typical Labour Chancellor. Well done for that, Rachel.

Obviously, as you point out, the rich are the obvious target because… because they have more. Simple. They have: We want. So we’ll hit them with Capital Gains Tax, because they all use it to avoid paying full-rate income tax. Then we’ll increase inheritance tax so they can never help their children. And we’ll increase their school fees by 20% because… because we can. And then there’s the mansion tax which may be resurrected from its premature burial when first voiced by Ed Miliband. You get taxed just for owning a house worth more than 2 mil. Presumably it was named by someone from Burnley or Grimsby. If it was a Londoner it would be called the ‘bedsit in Kensington; parking space not included’ tax.

So ‘those with the broadest shoulders’ (meaning: deepest pockets) will get simply hammered. Which is brilliant. They’ve just got too much, drinking all that fancy wine and driving around in Range Rovers whilst the rest of us are waiting for a bus to take us to the off licence to buy a six-pack of the strongest anything we can find for the least amount of expenditure from our benefits. Maybe a 5-pack since you took away our heating allowance.

Which you needed to do. I’m with you one that. Because it wouldn’t have been possible to simply crumble up and blow away in the wind as you did when dealing with the Rail Unions’ wage demands unless you had ‘a balance’. And robbing the poor, frozen pensioners of heat was definitely the best way to overpay the most overpaid in our society. The brilliant bit being that you didn’t question even one of their ridiculous demands. Shorter weeks, less hours, more overtime, longer holidays: “TAKE IT ALL!!!!”, you said, “WITH THE NATION’S BLESSINGS”. Possibly not those of the pensions whose windows aren’t insulated. Total capitulation. That’s what we want from our government. And we got it!

And I don’t agree that the 100% increase in ‘the rich’ looking to relocate overseas will be of any bother. Good riddance to ’em. We can still tax ’em when they’re living in Belize, can’t we? Nor should we be concerned that they’ll take thriving businesses out of the UK. Should we? Otherwise that ‘black hole’ might just get a bit blacker.

But I trust you, Rachel, you’re doing a fantastic job. Based on envy, spite, jealousy, resentment and a great sense of entitlement. I’m with you 100%.

Yours loyally,

Andy xxxx