Isn’t Amazon just the best company in the world? Like, you, just, kind’a, order shit, and, like, it just fucking arrives! Like, geezer in a white van brings it round, like, 20 minutes before you ordered it! Amazing. That’s why they call it ‘amazon’, cos its like ‘amazin’, innit? And, my Kindle, right? It’s got, like, loads and loads’a books on it. But, its, like, thinner than even one book, right? So how they do that? More amazin. I just love Amazon. I (and I speak for the entire global customer base here) like it a Trillion dollars worth. And we love Jeff Bezos 175 billion dollars worth too.

Yet surely the mark of a company is when it goes wrong. As everything has a natural tendency to do on occasion. Ahhhh, returns and refunds, Amazon is just brilliant. As you press ‘return’ on your computer the money is instantly back in your bank and the doorbell rings with the driver to pick up the dress that doesn’t fit, the toy you don’t like, the Thai bride who smells a bit.

All brilliant. Love Amazon.

Then I got an email. ‘Your tv is soon to be delivered to Doral, Florida. Go to ‘manage my account’ if any problem’. Yeah, that’s phishing. You go to manage my account and it is a hotline straight to Moscow data hackers who’ve stripped your bank account and maxed out all your credit cards before you can say ‘oh, this isn’t Amazon’. So I ignored. Then I had a couple more emails. Ignored. In fact, deleted! Dangerous stuff. Alexa’s mates spying and stealing.

A few days later I actually ordered something and went to set the delivery address. And, among my numerous addresses on file was one in Doral, FLA. Have you heard of Doral? I hadn’t. Even though I apparently watch tv there. Or will do once its delivered.

So I phoned amazon.co.uk and spoke to amazon.delhi and told them about this, linking the emails to the address, which was not one I’d ever entered. Oh, you need to speak to amazon.COM about this as its a US problem. But I don’t have an account with them, I have one with you; UK, India, whatever. You have to log on to amazon.com. I tried. It keeps coming up with a(n) OTP request. One Time Passcode. Which it doesn’t send. No email, no text, no telegram, no OTP. So I can’t log on, so I can’t speak to amazon.com.

Well, you need to speak to amazon.com… and basically this went round and round and round. Because they don’t listen, they’re not paid to listen, only to do precisely and no more than their computer tells them. Thinking is simply out of the question for these poor soulless creatures.

And my Amex account was charged £146.46 for a delivery from amazon.com. Presumably for my new tv to my new home in Doral, Florida, once I work out where it is. Though don’t know how much of a tv you get for 146 quid.

After 2 hours of banging my head against various (virtual, obvs) brick walls with amazon, I phoned American Express. Hung up the phone just 2, short, reassuring minutes later, simply knowing that this would be sorted out. By people. With minds of their own. And the care for their customers’ concerns that Amazon don’t have time for because they’re too busy counting their money and working out ways to avoid paying taxes.

On one of the many, worthless emails I received from Amazon, was “the Earth’s most customer-centric company”, written without irony (American, innit). I turned and vomited as I read it. And wrote to Jeff Bezos to see if he knows where Doral, FLA might be.

Happy online purchasing

A xxxx