Humanity has reached a kind of melt-down. Evolutionary perfection peaked (apparently on June 16, 1956) and we’re now in a continued down-slide from which I predict humans will become extinct by 2017. Maybe a bit later.

Obesity is the biggest thing (no pun intended, but I’ll take it anyway) as now 62% of British adults are overweight, with 24% being ‘obese’. That’s not just an insult, but an actual scientific description. In 1960 only 2% were obese. By 1980 it was only 6%. So we’ve collectively put away a few burgers since then, its fair to say. Though not as many as the Americans, where 98% of everyone is a fat bastard.

Yet obesity is only half the problem, but with twice the weight. There’s also growing infertility. Low sperm counts in men. The newest ‘big problem’. And its to do with certain plastics which we breathe in and they affect unborn as well as… er… already born. But while scientists are there (and someone else is paying) they looked at other factors too. As well as the plastics from shower curtains and car interiors (NEVER take a shower in a car; it’d be the end of your gonads) they found other things that drastically reduce sperm count. Like cheese. Fatty stuff. Good stuff. And most frightening of all, they found that hours watching tv relates to lowered sperm count as well. Which seems counter-intuitive if you’re watching porn but I didn’t see the details.

So the way its going is: humans are so fat that they have low fertility. Coupled with the fact that they’ve become horribly unappealing to other humans. So in their depression and lack of options they watch tv all day and night, which further reduces their potency and generally increases their obesity as you can’t ‘just’ watch tv without snacking? Wouldn’t be right. So a vicious cycle follows as they become fatter, more infertile and less desirable even if they do have any working sperm left. (Do really fat men produce really fat sperm? Like sloooooow and lethargic ones who’d rather eat some protoplasm than chase a fucking egg?).

One way to at least massage the statistics a little is to export obesity.

Ed Balls is going to Harvard.

I have no idea what his sperm count is like. But having lost his election and becoming an unemployed house husband, he’s now going to Harvard to be an academic researcher in McDonalds. Ok, maybe not, but to research economy and stuff like that. Which is nice. As he leaves behind his wife, Yvette Cooper, to run the labour party, fight her own election, look after the 3 kids, do his washing, spell-check his homework and in her spare time…

Bye Ed, gonna miss you. The man who all by himself is the definitive example of ‘where evolution went wrong’.

Happy thursday

A xxxx