There’s a new website in the world. Ahhh, that’s exiting, a new website, only about 3 million of those come along each week, so its big news. But this one is different. Its a kind of dating site for dog owners and lovers. Not really ‘dating’ in the sense of sleeping with a dog (either literally or euphemistically), more a way of dog owners and dog lovers to ‘hook up’ so the latter may ‘borrow’ the owner’s dog for times. Thus the owners get a break (shouldn’t’a bought the fucking mutt in the first place then, should’ja???) and the borrowers get to play House with a dog for a day/weekend/week. The perfect site where dog-hating dog-owners meet dog lovers who are shy on commitment. Who then get a chance, for the term of the borrowing, to pick up all the dog turds they need to make them happy and fulfilled. Great idea.

So great I’m thinking of setting one up for children. borrow-my-little-bastard.com will do just that. It’ll give stressed out parents a welcome break from the incessant demands of caring for sprogs, whilst wannabe mums and dads can be parents on a part-time basis. I suppose I’d have to have some kind of scanning process, ensure suitability and shit like that, but generally it’d be just a weekend away, or a 3-week trip to Thailand, unencumbered, or a one-way ticket to Rio and make sure little Johnny has a good life; bye. This is such a wonderful idea that I’ve already been approached by sponsors who are keen to get this up and running. Mothercare and Toys-R-Us jumped right in, as did Max Clifford (though due to ‘unforeseen circumstances’ we may put that on hold), Gary Glitter, Father Joseph McCleary, Bishop Murphy and several MPs who asked to have their names withheld.

Whilst watching ‘American Guns’ the other day, there was an odd thing. Other than the programme itself. What would you imagine to be the demographic of the typical watcher of such tv? Rednecks from Tennessee? Truck drivers from Green Bay? Serial killers from Chicago? Big butch, bearded game huntin’, fishin’, shootin’ good ole boys from everywhere?? Yeah, so would I. Ok, and opticians from London.

So why, we wondered, was the first advert shown during the show for Tampax. Followed by L’Oreal hair products, tights, perfumes and all manner of girly paranphernalia? It made no sense. Did the advertising mavens who study such things and analyse them to a ridiculously scientific degree, get their demographics wrong? Its the only explanation. Unless… unless women are really into guns in a big way, or (as I’ve always suspected) are psycho killers at heart. Or that most gunmen are cross-dressing transexuals who like tampons.

Poor Liverpool. Poor, poor Liverpool. There’s always so much to cry about in Liverpool, as soon as I hear someone talking with a scouse accent these days I automatically reach for the tissues. As we say at Spurs: there’s always next season. And look how well that’s worked out for us.

Happy tuesday

A xxxx