Johnny Depp and his wife, Amber Heard, are ‘boycotting Australia’. What a massive loss to that lowly, upstart nation that it won’t be blessed with an official visit by Mr Handsome-but-in-need-of-a-good-wash and his actress wife. You have to wonder if Australia will survive. Or whether there’ll now be a mass exodus of Australian boat-people arriving… well, somewhere nearby, which limits the options a bit, as their former nation’s credibility is shot to shit by Mr & Mrs Show-Biz.

I was nearly arrested in Australia. Ok, maybe that overstates it. But I was in the process of committing a serious crime. I was about to board a plane in Melbourne whilst in possession of a banned and illegal item. An apple. Taken from the hotel breakfast bar. It was a nice apple. Clean. Australian. But they search you at all Aussie airports pre-flight. Not for drugs; you can take all you want. Guns, no problem, mate. Bombs, long as the safety’s on. But food??? No way. Plants?? Flowers??? Shot on sight.

I didn’t have a dog with me, they don’t offer them on the buffet. But livestock of any description is pretty much a ‘no-no’ too.

Because Australia is an agricultural place. They grow stuff. An amazing amount of stuff. And anyone who grows stuff (probably farmers) lives in fear of diseases of their plants and animals. And the easiest way to get those diseases is to transport them from other areas. Hence the blanket ban on pretty much ‘anything living or that ever lived, other than people’ getting on any plane.

Johnny D and the Mrs reckoned they were really clever, arriving Down Under with their two vile little terriers, ‘Pistol’ and ‘Boo’, in a private jet so they could circumvent the strict controls. Well, they implied, we’re rich and famous, therefore surely above any laws made for the masses of great unwashed (in the euphemistic sense, rather than the Johnny Depp way). But no. The Agriculture minister of that nation threatened to have their dogs destroyed.

I personally wouldn’t have done that. I’d have instead sent them on another plane ride to Yulin in China. Where every summer solstice they have a ‘lychee and dog-meat’ party. And although I wouldn’t personally eat dog, not on any moral grounds; I have no morals, but simply because dogs are dirty animals, probably very tough too. But hungry people eat what they can. Even dogs, many of which are stolen pets. But only people with a full stomach (often a very large one), people for whom Ocado deliver twice a week, complain about eating dog-meat. The starving masses don’t have such issues.

Happy Wednesday, perhaps keep Rover on a lead.

A xxxx