In days of old, b4 txts & emls ruined the entire language, before the ‘digital age’, I was a well-analogue kind of guy and I actually used to write letters. There’s a surprise eh? Opinionated bastard voices opinions. Plus ca change…

I was angry of NW11. Before that I was disgruntled of E18. Pissed off from Ilford; devastated of Gants Hill. Even for a while Upset of West Hollywood.
But letters I always wrote. With a pen. Remember pens? With my hundred year old typewriter acquired from an Oxfam shop which weighs the same as my car, with anything. Things upset me, inspired me, animated me, I had to let people know of the good/bad/ indifferent/useless/pathetic they were up to.
And I wrote to Nigella Lawson. As she was then known. Pre-domestic goddess. Ancient times. 25 years ago. Before she’d achieved that rare fame (and good fortune to have an almost unique, if a bit stupid, name) in which you are known as just one name. Nigella.

Beyonce does it. Eminem. But that’s cheating. Nigella is a one-name babe. An act of stupid vanity by her father, Nigel, and the name that was probably a source of teasing and upset at school (would’a been in my school) became her making.

That and the fact that she is quite gorgeous. Despite living most of her adult life slightly north of her perfect fighting weight.
And I wrote to her at the Evening Standard, for whom she wrote a weekly column. Next to which was a picture, her byline. Like the one above. A pouting princess. A divine entity. Natural beauty. And not just that, she was clever. Wrote proper, joined-up type words, all plummy, a bit Oxbridge, more than a touch pretentious, but strikingly intelligent. Which is almost as important in a woman as bust size. Almost.

I wrote because of some slur she’d made upon new fathers. And Natalie was at the time about 6 months old, so she was ‘attacking’ me. Personally. Not that I was so bothered about this mere ‘slight’ on the character of proud new dads, which was pretty accurate really. I just liked the idea of a discourse with this gorgeous woman. As that was the only -course I was ever going to be eligible for.

I wrote, she replied, in ink (as opposed to a cave drawing, perhaps?) and that was that. She married John Diamond who died of cancer, married Charles Saatchi who strangled her outside a restaurant, and she has graced our screens, licking chocolate off her fingers, for many years.
And now the ex-hubby has revealed that she’s a serious drug user. Another serious drug user to come to light. Everyone’s doing drugs these days; drugs are the new Lattes. Bank chairmen, mayors of Toronto, now Nigella. Coke, cannabis, anything, ALLEGEDLY. Charles called her ‘Higella’. Not very nice. But I don’t think he’s a very nice man.

The Saachi/Nigella personal assistants, two Italian sisters are up for fraudulent use of the couple’s credit cards. The PAs defense is that they were allowed to spend what they liked ‘in return for their silence about Nigella’s drug use’. Which is kind of ‘blackmail’ writ backwards. So not the best defense really.

So I’d just like to say: NIGELLA IS INNOCENT ON VIRTUALLY ALL CHARGES. FREE NIGELLA (if only).

Justice must be obscene to be done.

Happy Wednesday

A xxxx