I’m going into the travel advice business. I’m qualified; I been lots’a places. ‘Merica. ‘Stralia. Whitby. Barking. And when asked, say, about the ‘best way to get to Yorkshire’, I’ll answer; DON’T!!!!!! For fuck sake just stay home. Spring clean. Clip the budgie’s claws. Shred last year’s bank statements. Watch telly. Just DON’T GO TO YORKSHIRE!!!! Because it looks like this (see above… like there’s anything else to see here).

This was, in fact, the ride home. Always the best part of any trip northwards. Which always starts with the ‘A1 or M1?’ conversation. And ends with ‘we took the wrong fucking road’. This was the A1. I’m sure the M1, 15 miles away, was bathed in tropical sunshine and lined with smiling policepeople holding signs reading: ITS OFFICIAL GO AS FAST AS YOU WANT DAY, WITH OUR BLESSING.

We had to go to Leeds to see Mel’s dad. He’s old and sweet and lives in Leeds. Obvs. Not like we’d pick him up from Enfield and take him 200 miles north for a day-trip. So we went yesterday (M1, if you’re interested; just piss off, if you’re not), checked in the hotel, had dinner with the Man, took him home, slept, swam, ate breakfast and came home. And this was what coming home looked like. Virtually all the way. Other than the traffic jams, which were few but still annoying. And the faster you drive, the worse the spray from lorries. But after a while you just accept the temporary blindness and drive ‘by feel’. Better than slowing down. Not necessarily safer, but better.

We made it. Warm (it almost is), sunny (very very slightly, between the clouds), glorious (always) London. Phew. Dodged a bullet.

Murray beats Djokovic at the O2 last night to retain his world number one-ness. Quite remarkable really. I still can’t take to the man but he is a very good tennis player. There again, he probably doesn’t have an arthritic right shoulder and a tennis-elbowed left arm. They spoke of winning in front of a ‘Partisan crowd’. I presume that means lots of Scots made the trip to see him in London. Now that Britain is no more and Mrs Scotland (Nicola S) has declared they are in Europe even though we’re out. I wonder if those fans used the A1 or the M1…

Happy Monday

A xxxx