I’ve never been to Dubai. I will do. Just as soon as I’ve bought the gold Ferrari, finished the gold leaf of the toilet seat and had the Range Rover diamond-encrusted. Also, if I’m honest, Mel and I need a ‘bit of work done’ before we’d feel comfortable in the Emirates Airlines first class lounge. To step off the plane in that particular Emirate with, like, ‘normal lips’ which haven’t been filled, puffed and inflated to the point where you can barely see over the top of them, would make you a pariah. No-one would take you seriously in Dubai without a boob-job, bum-lift and a half-neck tattoo.

I make no judgments.

Dubai came about, as a ‘destination’ at about the time of Wolf of Wall Street hit the screens. The 2, in my mind, run parallel. A time when people who made loads of money, felt the need to show it to everybody who didn’t. There was no moral question involved as to the decency of such a life-style, because these people were morality-free and worked in a complete moral vacuum. Everything had to be loud, lairy and as flashy as could be imagined. Excessive was the byword of the time. And they needed a holiday. All those long hours of robbing the financial markets by every devious method, before it became illegal, took its toll.

But Marbella was a bit 1970s, Cannes a bit stiff, Monte Carlo too French and Tuscany lacking the ‘flash’ they needed to validate themselves.

So they invented Dubai. They quite literally took a bit of land on a coast and created everything from the hotels to the beaches, from the offshore islands to the shape and quality of the sand. Fortunately, sand was an almost limitless commodity there. Just grab a wheelbarrow and find the nearest dune. Help ya’self.

But somewhere along the way, the decision was made that Dubai would not be a normal destination. Lacking any cultural or geographical interest whatsoever, it instead became a place to demonstrate the virtues of monetary display. The MOST fabulous hotels in the world. Unbelievably brilliant restaurants which you’re taken to in submarines. Bigger, better, flashier, more sparkly. Las Vegas without gambling (a bit haram) and obviously alcohol (even more haram), but compensated for by adding gold.

For some reason, Dubai has never really appealed to me. Until now.

Because it is the only place in the world where you won’t be surrounded by dickheads taking selfies. Its illegal there. Take a selfie of you by the Burj al Arab tower and you’ll go to prison for 25 years. Photo of the kids by The Dubai Centre and you’re in handcuffs and on your way to jail before you can say: ‘and salaam to you, too’.

70 Brits are currently jailed for ‘having photos on their phone’, if those photos contain any images of missiles, drones, destruction of anything, brick-dust, shrapnel or anything ‘which may spoil the image of Dubai’ as a tourist haven.

Whereas arresting people for taking photos will do wonders for the trade?

One day…

Happy Tuesday

A xxxx