What do you call a Britton going up in a space rocket? You call him Tim Peake, and today he’s going up to the International Space Station for a 6-month sentence onboard. The first Brit to visit that station in its 15 year tenure ‘up there’ whizzing round the Earth at the impossible speed of 175,000 miles an hour. Fortunately there’s no speed cameras up there. In fact there’s no nothing up there, other than the space station and the view. A few microwaves (the particles, not the ovens; they could be seriously dangerous). Otherwise a total void of emptiness and nothingness. Like Croydon on a Sunday night.Or the Emirates during a match.

And Tim is going up there to experience zero gravity. Though there is gravity, just not as much as at home. And thank the lord for that, cos if there wasn’t gravity then the spaceship wouldn’t be orbiting the planet, but just heading off to Jupiter. Or the sun. But its sufficiently low up there that everything kind’a floats around. You throw something in the bin, cos its rubbish, and 3 minutes later its sailing past your dinner. Which is also floating round, as is the plate it came on. I suppose you have to nail it all down and strap yourself in just for breakfast. How does one ‘nail down’ Cornflakes, I’d like to know. Let alone milk.

But that’s not my problem. Nor is it their problem either really as everything they eat is either frozen or dried. Ocado would deliver up there (postcode is SP∞ 7QE-F-G-H-J-K… cos you are travelling at 175,000 miles per hour) but the timeslot can be a problem. In case you’re out.

And I don’t even want to think about the toilet facility. It cost 1.3 million quid, apparently. So it must be smart.

Tim’s going up there to do science. Experiments that can only be done in a near gravity-less environment. And good luck to him. Apparently all potential astronauts are vetted to make sure they’re kind’a nice people. Can you imagine being stuck in space for 6 months with Jeremy Corbyn? Jose Morinho? Aunt Maud?

And his participation in this wonderfully international experience is great for Britain. And apparently an inspiration for kids. Because Tim is not just a nice bloke, he’s a test pilot, a scientist and probably plays golf off a 3 handicap. So, kids, that’s all you have to do. Get a masters degree in atrophysics, join the airforce and you too could one day…

Jose Morinho would be better off in space. He certainly can’t get his team to win on planet Earth.

Happy Tuesday

A xxxx