So now we’ve left Europe, we can no longer dress like Europeans. It’ll be law soon so might as well get the jump. Or the jumper. Cos they’ll be back, big time. Sweaters are gone, jumpers are back. We just need to start the process of dissociating ourselves from European stuff.

I’ve already got rid of all my Euro clothes. Sent all my lovely, fitted, pastel Italian shirts to the charity shop and went on HAWAIIAN SHIRTS-R-US!!! dot com and ordered a dozen mixed. Mixed between REALLY FUCKING LOUD and TOTALLY AWESOMELY LAIRY. A good combination of ‘bright’, ‘brutal’ and ‘gross’. Shirts that will take an eye out at 50 metres. Sorry, 50 yards. Enough with all that metric shit, I’m going Imperial.

Tailored trousers? Fuck dat. I’m going with elasticated-waist-pants from now on. You can buy them online from American stores and they’re genuine imitation polyester. They come in three sizes, US Small (waist 38-44), medium (45-57) and upper-medium (58-walking dead). Time to get a little less ‘San Tropez’ and a little more ‘Miami Beach’.

For leisurewear I’m going oriental. I’m ordering a Ninja Warrior outfit (like the one I wear for Tai Chi but in aqua). And I’m going cowboy. Got the Levis already, just need some vile gingham shirts and stupid ‘just fucked my sister’ hat. Oh, and boots. Hand-tooled, rhinestones, the full yee-haaah.

And we need to sort out the high street. Get rid of all those pretentious fucking croissanteries and patisseries, all those nice little cafes and al fresco foreign rubbish, and pasta places and tapas bars and… (what do Germans eat? Don’t think it exports much in that line). Then replace them with sushi places, McDonalds and KFC, Burger King and Starbucks; real American food. Real shit. Actually, we’re half way there on that score.

Maybe get some Aussie restaurants too; that’ll be nice and un-European. Oh, Aussies don’t eat, they just drink. Though they do drink a lot. Well get some Aussie bars then.

The only big problem is glasses. Eyewear. Sunnies. Which you can either buy (one-get-one-free) from Specsavers, made in China, that instantly make look like you need a new pair of glasses, or you buy something proper. And it will be European. Italy, France, Germany, Denmark. No-one else makes anything you’d really want on your face.

Ok, we can leave now, its all sorted.

Happy Wednesday

A xxxx