‘Middle of the Road’ is an expression of mediocrity, a metaphor. It was also a really crappy band in the 70s who had a song called ‘chripy chirpy cheep-cheep’ which wasn’t, musically, so much ‘middle of the road’ as ‘right in the fucking gutter’.

But now ‘middle of the road’ is where everyone seems to want to drive. And if some aggressive bastard (errr… that’ll be me then) decides that in actuality the road has perfectly sufficient space for two cars to pass each other, almost comfortably, without smashing door mirrors, and thus fails to ‘yield’, these pathetic ‘middle of the roaders’ just panic and stop. Staring dead ahead because they know, on some level, that they’re tossers that lack the wherewithal to do anything positive. When you follow one of these down a narrowish road they do the middle thing, then when faced with a car in the distance, they don’t so much ‘pull over’ into a space, but park. So when the oncoming vehicle has passed it takes them ten minutes to get out of the parking space to continue. With me sitting behind them with smoke coming out of both ears, teeth gritted and shouting endless obscenities.

And I don’t know when this happened. Driving in London has always been about narrow roads and ‘jousting’. But then someone decided to drive down the middle instead. Like excessive use of high beams for no apparent reason, these offences should carry a death penalty. And I’m volunteering as judge, jury and most definitely executioner.

Driving in the middle lane when the slow lane is empty is worth at least the loss of a hand. Or a foot. And driving in the fast lane with no cars inside, at below the speed limit; hung, drawn and quartered. Mere death is way too quick.

All of these can be encompassed in what will be known as ‘Andy’s Laws’ and can be reduced entirely to the useful phrase: GET OUT’A MY FUCKING WAYYYYY!!!!!

But we don’t have the death penalty here. We’re British. We haven’t murdered a murderer since nineteen fifty-whatever. We let them rot. Generally for about 10 years then we let them out to do it again. And we won’t send our more ‘international’ of criminals to any countries where they might be tortured or executed. Because it upsets the Labour party. Who are always worried about the ‘human rights’ of the murderously evil. Then yesterday, the Home Secretary, Sajid Javid, agreed to send two ex-Brits (citizenship already revoked) who were IS fighters and noted Jihadi Johnists, to America to stand trial, without the usual requests demanding ‘no execution’. Mainly because if he had made such a request they’d have been sent to Guantanamo Bay instead, and We (Britain) really, REALLY don’t approve of that place. So a major shitstorm has developed.

I don’t want these two most evil of men executed. Because it would be a short trip to the martyrdom that they love. A life in some high security hell-hole in Tennessee would be much better, getting raped every day by a white supremacist biker gang from Nebraska.

Its all a question of morality. And no ‘middle of the roading’.

Happy Tuesday

A xxxx