So I want to make an investment. I want to take £200, or £3000, or £45,000 and invest it. Thank you.

What are you looking for, exactly?

Errrr… that’ll be ‘money’. As much as I can get from my initial investment. Biggest return imaginable, or preferably unimaginable, and as little tax as can possibly be got away with.

Ok, well we have ‘The Total Bastard, High Yield Fund’. And we invest in armaments, mainly sales to ISIS, Russia, Iran and drug dealers; we go very long on oil, gas, plastics and methane; we’re heavily into seal-cub skin trading, the Chinese child labour market, Muscle Car makers, Paedophile Travel organisations, Chelsea football club and any slavery we can find. The market in shrunken heads is currently tanking so we’ll wait and see how that goes before re-investing.

Oh. You’re appalled!! Well they’re all very high growth areas and we can pretty much guarantee a yield of around 18% per annum. Not quite so appalled now, but I appreciate your conscience is important in your deliberations.

So we have the ‘Not Quite such a Bastard but Not a Very Nice Person Either’ fund. We’ll invest your funds into repossession companies, particularly of housing and children; Parking Ticketing organisations; Elon Musk’s ‘X’, NHS GP surgeries, META and Arsenal football club.

What! Still not ‘nice’ enough for you??? That yields 9.4%!!!

Ahhhh, you want ‘ethical’, you want the funds where not one single daisy gets trampled on; where no polar bear is at risk and most importantly, not one penny of your money finds its way into bank bonds which, in turn, may invest in any of the above stated, or Israel, obviously, or insecticides.

Then you need our ‘Moron Fund of Cloud Cuckooland’ (warning: shares may go up as well as down, but unlikely in this vehicle). The fund invests heavily into anything Vegan, tree-hugging, plant-based sandal manufacturers, Barnet football club, birthing stools and wind farms. The yield is such that if you only lose 10% of your investment every year you’ll be doing better than the industry benchmark for ‘misguided investments’. But at least you can live with yourself. Albeit in poverty.

Most beautiful, freezing cold day today. Alas, the most imperfect conditions for tennis. In any meaningful way.

Happy Saturday

A xxxx