I want to save the planet. All by myself. I want to stop carbon emissions. I want nuclear power and an end to fossil fuels. I want no more birds with asthma. I want pollution to become an historical artefact. You don’t need to have factories spewing out shit from their chimneys; you can use a few hundred Chinamen instead to do the same job. I want airplanes to run on fairy-dust and I want cows to stop farting their evil methane.

But I’ll never drive a Prius.

However, there are some electric cars, worthy of the name, which actually look and drive fabulously. Not the BMW i8; that wins on looks but in reality is only ‘electric’ because the clock runs on that particular power. For the engine to take you beyond its 30 mile range you need petrol. Same with all ‘hybrids’, they just exist to avoid the congestion charge and make people feel smug.

Tesla make electric cars that are fast, efficient, classy and have no petrol/diesel at all. And they can even take you a few hundred miles without running out of charge. Which is fine because my range between bladder stops is about 40 miles. So I stop for a pee, plug in, charge up, drink a coffee, which then means only 20 miles til next stop/pee/coffee/charge. Works perfectly. You do the maffs. As long as the coffee shop has a spare socket.

But now Elon Musk (its a person even though it sounds like either a new aftershave or a small, civil-war-torn African state) has expanded his horizons. He’s the dude who owns Tesla. Originally set up Paypal, sold it to ebay, so he has ‘funds’. He’s also flown a rocket into space and done a whole host of imaginative, inventive stuff, as geniuses do.

His latest ‘thing’ is going on sale in the States. Its a great big battery that you put on the wall of your garage. And it stores electricity, either from cheap rate grid stuff, or from your own wind farm or solar panels. So for about £2,000 you can save a fortune of that oil-burned shit power the big companies provide for you. And think how smug you could be then? Saving hundreds of pounds a year whilst saving the planet at the same time. You’d have a halo.

I want to know what mobile phone Elon Musk uses. And if he has to charge it up every 20 minutes like I do with mine. And if so, WHY IS HE WASTING SO MUCH TIME SAVING THE FUCKING PLANET WHEN HE COULD DO SOMETHING REALLY USEFUL WITH HIS LIFE???

Happy Saturday, keep it green

A xxxx