I like playing tennis in the ‘elements’. Not the ‘elements’ of the periodic table, because lead would be a bit of an issue, helium leads to strange voices and you just never wanna do uranium. I mean the other elements. Because I just played tennis in Storm Arwen. And it was great. Hurricane winds, driven rain, sleet, hailstones and fucking locusts. Perfect tennis conditions. If you’re a true hero (read: FIRST DEGREE DICKHEAD) like me and Spurs Paul, you don’t just put up with playing in slightly adverse conditions, you embrace your inner schmuck, you realise that its windy, rainy tennis or no tennis, and you (as our esteemed and on the verge of a total breakdown Prime Minister would say:) you get the job done. So now, like those imbeciles who follow tornadoes around America, we are going to search out the storms as they start and play tennis in the middle of them.

A job that is made infinitely easier by global warming and the climate disaster. Because before Greta Thunberg was born, it never rained heavily. Oh, right, of course it did. Well, there were never droughts in India and Africa. Oh, but there were? We never had storms. Only… errrr… every year. Or so. Lots of them. Ahhhhh, but here’s the thing; before global warming, they were just storms. The absolute proof of climate disaster and emissions-related clusterfuck is that the storms we now get are in ALPHABETICAL ORDER!!!! And that could NEVER happen without global warming. So bring on Storm Brunhilda, Storm Boris, Storm Bohemian Rhapsody; WE’RE READY FOR YA!!!

In fact the only thing that will stop us playing tennis is ‘variants’. You really need no longer state ‘variants of what?’ because everybody knows. And variants get names too now. Strange ones. Greek ones. Which don’t necessarily translate. Because why would you bother with terms like ‘Kent’, and ‘India’ and ‘South Africa’ just because they are where the variants started? When you can use the far more explanatory ‘alpha’, ‘delta’ and (FFS) ‘omicron’, the only letter of the Greek alphabet I’ve never heard of because it is not used as a mathematical constant. So I suppose its about time it had some proper recognition. Let’s use it to re-name THE CARRIER OF DEATH!!!!

And to the very mention of the word ‘variant’ there is immediate reaction along the lines “there goes that fucking holiday then”, or “we’ll reschedule the wedding for next year”, or “you know when we said ‘Christmas will be ok’, well…”

Happy shitty, rainy, stormy, varianty Saturday

A xxxx