It’s over. Again. Covid? History. Not one single person died yesterday from Covid in the whole of England! Which is brilliant!

Unfortunately, 14 died from ‘Covid Boredom’ a disease which attacks the brain during repeated pandemic statistical information broadcasts. 34 died in crashes on their way to have Covid tests and three more passed away from over-excitement at the thought of hugging someone significant in just a few weeks time. 97 Fulham fans died of disappointment and one political party (errrr, Labour) committed suicide. Though as that is in fact a ‘work in progress’, it won’t affect statistics.

But Covid wasn’t all bad. Because it has revolutionised ‘recycling’.

Just over a year ago, if you had broken garden furniture, dead TVs, ragged mattresses, you’d pile them in the car and head for the dump. Where you’d queue behind 47 white Transit vans, all arguing with the dump-geezers, “Naaah mate, it ain’t ‘trade’ waste, iss personal, from me ‘ouse, innit. So I don’ have ta pay 40 quid, cos iss not ‘trade’. Even though me van says ‘BUILDERS AND WASTE REMOVERS’ on the side”. Then you get your turn, open the car, shlep out the broken old grand piano, single-handed, as 14 blokes in hi-viz jackets stand there watching.

No more. In our (almost) post-Covid world you go online and book an appointment. To dump my old lawn mower. Because its… dead!!! (But didn’t test positive in the last 28 days so doesn’t count). And I’ll probably be invited to see a ‘consultant’ when I get there. In a yellow jacket. At a (recycled) desk. Where he’ll question what I’m dumping. And why. Do I need counselling for the loss of the prospective dumped thing? Has it been replaced? Can he google a new lawn mower for me. Do I need finance?

Because ‘The Dump’ became ‘The Recycling Centre’. But the email confirming my appointment, presumably from the dump secretary, came from…

“London Energy”!!!! Holy shit, that’s impressive. Probably named thus because you really need a lot of energy to get all the shit out of your car and you’ll be exhausted when you’re done. Done dumping. Or perhaps, done energising.

Saturday at 12. I’m so excited.

Happy Tuesday

A xxxx