You see, being a Spurs fan means you are committed, totally and absolutely, to ‘entertainment’. Football is not for ‘winning’ in any normal sense, its there to ‘entertain the masses’. To provide neutral fans with ‘a match to remember’. Even if Spurs fans remember it even longer, until they finish therapy. I’m going to have special flags printed to sell outside our ground which just read: “WTF???” and can be deployed every time that emotion enters your head. There will be much flag-waving.

Last night’s match was a case in point. We played equally ‘entertaining’ Manchester United. Also using ‘entertaining’ as a euphemism for ‘chaotic as fuck!!!, headless chickens half the time, brilliant for at least 10 minutes a match, the rest; who knows?’. And we took a ‘comfortable’ (for any normal fucking team) 3-nil lead early in the second half. Job done. Or rather: ‘job done???’ Nah. too easy. Let’s give them two goals. Makes it ‘entertaining’, dunnit?

To enable this level of ‘entertainment’ the fairly shitty Manchester United needed help. They can’t entertain unassisted. So Fraser Foster, our goalkeeper in the absence of our proper one, just gifted them two goals. Here ya go, have the ball, I’ll just wait over there so you can find the net. I would suspect him of being in the pay of Chinese gambling syndicates, but I checked his phone and he’s had no contact with Prince Andrew at all.

But then… our dear beloved Sonny scored a goal for us. Of course, it was a controversial goal, the only ones worth scoring. But it stood and that was 4-2 with just 2 minutes of normal time left. Ahhhhh, ‘safe’. You’d think. But ‘safe’ is a million miles from ‘entertaining’, so we let them score a couple minutes later, during the 6 minutes of stoppage time. Which, (times10 when you’re one goal ahead), felt like an hour. And we hung on. Like… champions? Like… winners? Like entertainers. That what we are. We are a dog that barks in tune to ‘Jingle Bells’; a clown who makes balloon animals for kids, a woman in a g-string who slides down a pole wiggling her spinning tassels. We are Tottenham.

Happy Friday

A xxxx